Depression plays a major part in our world thanks to how brutal things get at times, even artificially. I’ve been depressed for a fairly long while, yet know the proper ways of “treating it”. Not a cure, though how to prevent it from constantly flaring up. Sadly, not allowed to fully apply the treatment thanks to social degradation and the nation I’m living in. Also, I’m not making this page to be – “Woe-is-me” – I simply want to make note of things for archiving purposes. It may be a timed page which may disappear later, or it may simply stay up in my forgetfulness. It may explain why I am the way I am. Maybe I’m over-sharing, yet still noting things “for science” purposes; For archive purposes. Depression is a various serious part of us thanks to how society pressures one another to be someone they’re not; To force people to not be themselves. It’s now worse than ever for all the wrong reasons, especially the fake political reasonings running rampant in this world. Not even organically. It’s all artificial nonsense.
The Anime ‘Oshi no Ko’ really put things into perspective showing how much a person breaks when they’re doing their hardest while people around them belittle them in ignorance. Hatred, envy, jealousy’s, and outright pure ignorance. People stealing other people’s thunder, plagiarism, stealing other people’s content, etc. I can relate, I’ve been there, especially on many levels. Thank you, Ottawa! Thank you for being a pile of shit constantly raining on my parade, and others, while also pretending to be fake-special. I’ve actually been a fairly happy person until other people constantly see the need to rain on my parade. Always.
(Disclaimer: I’ve tried to unify my thoughts, though they may be disjointed and misplaced. Errors will be mended when spotted. This page may also hide in the future depending on what happens in life. If you find horrifying grammatical errors than do thank me not having enough time; Me forced to pour this all out at once while having to come back a few hours every few days to mend any errors. I wish I didn’t have to have this page, people have been that vile, now more so than ever. )
School | Work | Ottawa | Busou Shinki | VRChat | Anime | Games | Suicidal Thoughts | Travel
- Not allowed to read a Thomas the Tank Engine book. Others were, just not me. Screw me, I guess.
Grade 1 to Grade 5-ish:
- Power Rangers & Transformers toys constantly stolen. Even one broken out in a playground.
- Constantly verbally abused by people. Looked down upon, mocked, tattle-tailed on.
- During gym classes I was always the “odd guy out”. Always forced to pair up with someone.
- Eraser thrown across the room for rejecting their claims.
- During an English class I had no book causing me to try to lean into either one or the other classmates to read the book. Was rejected. Once class change occurred I openly vented, even cried for having been rejected from keeping along with the rest of the classmates. Constantly, constantly sidelined and rejected by both teachers and students alike. An outcast.
- Girls treating me like trash out of fear and clique nonsense. School reject & class outcast.
- Constant night-terrors, paranormal occurrences (real or fake), nightmares, harassment by others.
- Told not to “slip” on ice for leisurly purposes in a school yard, the “cool kids” allegedly owned the patch of ice.
- Laughed at for making a cardboard airplane, and putting a UFO in a solar system for class.
- Was given a quick accomplishment speech by a teacher prior to be given no claps by my classmates while others had. No acknowledgement at all by my hateful classmates. I was a ghost to other people, or even worse than that. I was trash to them. Not worthy of their attention.
Carlton Place Public School:
- Christmas Decoration made in my place (when sick) yet brutally told not allowed to have it. Bullying behaviour.
- Things stolen from me so I stole Lego sets from other people. Shark submarine set.
- A snow-ice ball hybrid thrown into my face; Into my eye causing me to “limp” back home.
- During a parent-teacher night my mother talked to the teacher with the teacher noting how everything is my fault and how the students are a bunch of alleged saints. My mother was crying thanks to lying teachers in Ottawa. Abusive teachers pinning other people’s sins onto me.
- Brought Gerbils for a show-and-tell, was constantly looked down upon by my classmates. Was told to tell the Gerbils to be quiet.
- My toy aircraft were stolen from me while in a playground. My fault for leaving them unattended.
- Slammed into a cylinder play structure causing my nose to bleed.
- Put in time-out for mimicking another student while typing on an analog keyboard to learn how to type without seeing.. They were fine, I wasn’t. I was being unfairly punished. (Carlton Place Highschool.)
- Game Boy stolen by two welfare hobo students. An brother-sister combo with the sister being in my school and the brother being in another school at the time. Even my Pokemon game was stolen, yet returned. Had to play the rest on my N64 Pokemon Stadium set-up. RIP my original Gameboy. I miss the days I saw Gameboy advertised, yet unable to preserve its history to this day thanks to Ottawa welfare morons.
- Beaten up at a fence while nearby parents of various kids shamed me, not the bullies. Everything is always my fault. Everything is always my fault. Fuck you! (I recall this event the most).
- Friend next door verbally abused me then befriends and verbally abuses me again.
- Classmates constantly abusing me, putting me down, stealing my lunch, rejecting my presence.
- Constantly getting beaten up and abused causing me to hide in games.
- Certain teachers disliked how I side-taught a younger student. A kid didn’t want to read a book causing me to partially read it then nudging the kid to read the rest. Teachers caught this forcing me not to read it further, let alone not be in this class anymore. I am however well aware that kid is at a loss for being overly stubborn. The kid I was “helping” was a stubborn kid.
- Teachers always looking down on me just because I was the socially awkward kid. Always bullied, mistreated, and even punished when other students blamed me for something. Pincer attack from both sides.
- I vocally gave a depressed introduction speech to then be cut off, It was too depressing for them. Nobody gave a crap about me. Another person introduced themselves doing their rounds of introductions. Teacher never clued in, or refused to. I verbally told the class I amount to nothing because nobody wants to be around me, nor hang around me. I’m always alone. Always this “trashy” person, or whatever.
Grade 9-12 (Highschool):
- Constantly abused, rejected, put down. Lunch being stolen on me while in an English class.
- Rejected from playing street hockey by some classmates for being “rough” when they were rough themselves. Fuck them. One of their brothers died by self-caused karma, though nothing for me to cheer about. They were self-destructive.
- Called out by some classmates to some allegedly shady parties and hangouts. Refused, especially from depression. “too hot”, “too tired”, or just not my thing. Even feared going downtown feeling safer among my video games. Star Wars Galaxies, Star Wars: Empire at War, Silent Hunter 3, etc.
- Classmate verbally noting how I was falsely “crying” when I failed a science & biology class. I was upset, not crying. The teachers in that school were arrogant and abusive. Egoistical, especially the English teachers, or those teaching political stuff.
- In a constant lunch detention unable to enjoy proper lunch. ‘Binder wars’ nonsense constantly being punished for one thing or another, even over something overly minor. A great karma moment when a bird hit the teacher on the head mid-class to then head back out. KARMA BITCH!
- English teacher in Grade 11 verbally abused my dad in passing claiming that whatever my dad said was false. Basically implying my dad is a piece of shit in front of the whole class. I was too demoralized to even leave the class, nor do anything else. (A rich bitch who prided herself in driving a aqua-blue BMW convertible. Hence, why I don’t believe in teacher strikes. Teacher strikes are a scam. Teachers are lying bastards.)
- Called out for help to my friend on numerous occasions to be told I’m simply over-reacting.
- Considered suicide on numerous occassions with the thought of traveling to Europe saving me each time. 2003 & 2006-ish. Traveling to Europe saved me. Anime saving me after that…….
- A guidance councilor failing me in a Co-op class for volunteering for my 40 hours at an allegedly wrong location. Genuinely furious….. Never personally graduated, only on paper. Too depressed.
- Briefly had people try to be friends with me, yet too little too late. Tried to be friendly with people, shared Anime, yet nothing really came of it. One of my Civilization 4 CD copies was stolen by a Slavic person after having given me Gundam Seed Destiny burnt copies. Everything positive happened far too late.
- During a pre-graduation Class trip we went to Toronto. While at a gas station we bought snacks with other people being politely greeted by the cashier, I was the only one looked at awkwardly at the time. I had chips while other people had other stuff. I was the odd one out again.
Everything is always allegedly my fault……. Ottawa taught me everything is my fault. I amount to nothing, worth nothing. I’m not allowed to be myself, I’m not human, and my parents are trash. Their words, I’m quoting them for that. Ottawa constantly treated me like I amounted to nothing. Constantly publicly humiliated on the daily. People laughing at the thought of me being bullied at schools and workplaces, even openly chuckling about it. Not the least bit worried about my mental sanity. They didn’t care if I considered suicide, nor checked up on my well being. I was basically “over-reacting”. Idiots.
Nobody cares about anything in Ottawa, let alone doing anything. And then when people had the nerve of inviting me I was already broken, damaged, emotionally & morally hurt to the point of refusing to go downtown, etc. Everything had to be on other people’s terms, never my own. People even shaming me for desiring things on my term, yet it always has to be fully 100% on their terms.
(Note: It would take a neutral VRChat experience from late 2017 to late 2018 to regain my humanity & emotions. Sure, Busou Shinki helped one half, VRChat assisted the other half in a more social manner. I was regaining my human side. Both Busou Shinki & VRChat helped me out, yet people had to murder me on the Busou Shinki side over fake political nonsense. As noted, everything is always my fault.)
Work Place Harassment:
(Undisclosed Workplace #1):
- Not given proper supplies when needed. A bullying visiting (Frenemy) classmate causing a customer to turn on me allowing the customer to blame me for various issues, not the instigator.
- Given a false e-mail from a girl to instead be given an e-mail of a Brazilian person. (MSN Messenger era). Should have been an early sign to me that North American girls are hostile, dramatic, and worthless. They’re too vile. Western girls always looked down on me making me hateful of them.
- Female cashier yelled at me for bringing in shopping carts too early during winter time. I intentionally allowed the carts to sit in the lobby (bringing them from outside) before bringing them indoors. Once again, everything is my fault. It was a three-stage step.
- Laid off by the supervisor for half-truth of claims causing me to leave the workplace in a depressed state. He was half correct while half wrong plausibly hoping I would defend myself while being laid off. Gave me light trauma unable to find work until few years later. Half accusations were accurate of calling sick to watch Formula 1 back in the day, other half not so much. It wasn’t an ideal workplace either way. Not my place to be. Too slow paced, not much to do.
(Undisclosed Workplace #2):
- Over-worked, under-appreciated.
- Putting me on heavy equipment on Day 1 while not telling me how to do so properly. Telling me half the instructions, not the full instructions. Constantly being vague instructions from Day 3 to his last day at that workplace. (Constantly vulgar through-and-through).
- Forced to work while extremely sick during a “big-boss” meeting. Even warned my full timer I was unable to work on this day the day prior with a brutally heavy flu. Still came in feeling insanely miserable cursing his name, even to this very day. Idiot.
- Was told everything was my fault, even how I should be sent home at one point. Was apologized to on uneasy terms.
- Secondary full-timer kept whining about his breaks and lunch how he was unable to take them. Overworking us in stupid manners while flirting with the girls. Slimy bastard.
- Mother passed away in 2017 with a secondary abusive full-timer telling me I should stop grieving for my mother. It wasn’t even a few days, or a week after loss.
- Arrogant Fulltimer #2 throwing boxes at me for not listening to 100% of his instructions, 80% of his instructions were followed. He directly threw a box or two at me.
- Being yelled at for not doing my work faster by part-timer turned fulltimer twice. Told him twice to screw off.
- New recruits were told to bully me, talk smack/trash about me, even encouraged to bully not only myself, yet other staff. They were slandering me behind my back, told me I should be harassed, and that I should find horrifying misfortune. I would always hear the fulltimers summarize this nonsense when trying to shame me to work faster, harder, and like a slave. They wished actual death upon me. Thankfully, those “new” recruits never lasted long, only a few months to a year at most. Majority of the abusive full-timers also left. The workplace wanted to break me, yet I had nowhere else to go.
- Depression caused by my workplace prevented me from going anywhere, not doing anything major. Only HMCS Haida trip with my father (when he was alive). No real job hunting. I was locked in limbo, yet was told I could leave anytime for any other work. My depression prevented me from seeing things clearly, yet I desired to leave constantly.
- Forced to do work even knowing full well my back was hurting. Even called it in, forced to work with a hurting back. Not once, yet twice. Once with secondary full-timer, and then a third full-timer with an egoistic personality.
- Betrayed by management numerous times claiming things are my fault, especially by first, second, and third full-timer.
- Someone’s rear end (buttox) was posted on Facebook causing a morally corrupted short-heighted full-timer to instruct me to bend over to see my ass. I refused at first to eventually cave due to naivety. He constantly talked crap about me. He eventually later moved to a different department and eventually a new workplace.
- Locals from Ottawa (out of uniform) abusing me, shouting at me, berating me.
- Two gay guys came into my workplace seeking an orgy abusing everybody in there trying to hit someone up. Trying to gain a phone number. One was sober, the other was gay. I got in trouble for their antics by the boss with a fellow coworker. Shame. Even a poor woman was harassed that night.
Never apologize to bullies, trolls, or Social Justice Warriors in the real world, let alone in the digital world of Twitter/Tumblr/Youtube/other Social Media platforms. I’ve made that mistake numerous times being an overly polite Canadian myself. Even Japanese folks make this mistake, learning from it when abusers assault them on Pixiv, and other platforms. Japanese Pixiv artists were forced to make a anti-apologizing reference sheet in response causing trolls to go ballistic.
Ottawa’s Distress & Social Decline:
It just doesn’t stop. Nobody wants to be around you, yet everybody wants to keep doing fake, miserable, and “tribal-mentality” things. You’re always ghosted, treated as if you aren’t there. You’re not allowed to admire your own interests, forcing you to pick up what others want you to be interested in instead. People end up playing mainstream games, or simply view mainstream Anime instead of digging into the more obscure side of things. Nobody wants to interact with the actual fun stuff in life. If not that, it’s about fake politics labeling normal people as ‘Nazi’, or ‘Transphobes’, or whatever nonsensical idiocies Ottawa enjoys doing nowadays (and other places). Everything is less true, genuine, or real these days. Everything genuine is few, far, and hidden under a layer of dust. Whether you’re on Twitter or offline, everybody acts the same (or similar) in Ottawa. Give or take.
When people want to talk on the normal we can have a genuine conversation. We can talk for however long we desire. Either their awkwardness or my own awkwardness tends to shut down the conversation, or time itself with stuff to deal with in reality. The more honest and down-to-earth people are the better our experiences tend to be. The more memorable they are in general. The more traditional people are things tend to work out even better. The more untainted a person is the better we tend to get along. The truer the experiences are.
I’m sadly tainted having been treated by trash, unable to enjoy various things, and unable to do various desires. I however try to be as genuine as I can. You’re not allowed to be human these days.
Mainly an Ottawa thing (yet also a social thing) whenever I try to be kind I even try to share my images, or try to be polite to people. They instead get all grumpy, even doing the whole “I don’t care”, or “ya, so?” to the images. Grumpy people. Then you see them being all chummy with other people, or not at all. People are messed up. It frustrates me more and more how people do the whole “ya, so?” nonsense, even boosting other people on the same stuff, or also not at all. Society is messed up.
I believe I’m more true to myself than any other “faker” out there, or those at least struggling to be their true selves. When people claim to admire something (their hobbies, games, etc) I try to gauge how much they genuinely desire it for real, or if they’re putting on an act trying to be a part of some social group for fake points. I genuinely admire my hobbies wishing others could play games/Busou Shinki/KanColle/Azur Lane that I (myself) admire allowing that experience to be far more genuine; Giving me the time of day instead of me following them in their forced footsteps. I constantly question how others feel this way about their games and interests as well, or what appears to be an invisible tribal-mentality moment. I wish people would watch MY desired Anime, not theirs, when it all relates to tribal-mentality of the masses. When people watch or play games it’s always the mainstream stuff, never the more obscure kinds. People also refuse to do things I casually desire to have fun with, especially having been denied time and again. Stealing my thunder, my dignity, and my interests along the way, if they’re the clout-chasing individuals themselves. I have to do what others want me to do, yet I’m not allowed to do what I want to do. Everything always has to be on other people’s terms, yet falsely pinned as a “me” problem. People love to seek social affection from others to the point others play games even if it causes them pain and suffering.
Likewise, I wish to see people naturally and organically sharing things they genuinely 100% desire. I’ve seen people falsely claiming they enjoyed something to eventually divert to a fake persona, or their true evil persona they originally had having to revert back to it in time. Enough time goes by to which people eventually start snapping at others and yourself (myself included) telling you to “fuck off!”, among other vile behaviours. They became a hateful or politically driven lunatic siding with fake politics over your every day life-style. They shed their normalcy for their social degradated state. I’ve been betrayed by numerous alleged Busou Shinki hobbiests, numerous Dutch folks (especially “that one” with a name similar to ‘Knight’), and others to eventually find out why. They weren’t honest with themselves, even spouting fake political nonsense while at it. It all hurts, especially when people are as fake as they can be. Constantly disingenuous.
I want to be myself, other people do not want to be themselves. Being told not to admire the Titanic in an Ottawa school, told to give up on Kantai Collection (when I still played it). Being betrayed by that “one Dutch person” really hurt me since 2017 eventually requiring VRChat as my therapy, even without knowing I was using it as therapy. Really has (hurt me from being betrayed by people). Gradually healing, yet we shall never be friends just as long as they’re mentally corrupt blaming me for everything under the sun. Hence, my depression and trust issues.
As noted, even Ottawa has betrayed its own people falsely labeling everything as ‘Nazi’ and ‘-phobes’. “There are Nazi’s over there!”, relating to a spoiled brat of a girl gesturing towards the protesting truckers. With how the term ‘Nazi’ has been hollowed out over the year you have to be more specific, or less idiotic. You have to tell people what you actually believe inside, not what you were brainwashed to parrot.
I know what it feels like to feel rejected by society. I’ve been treated as sub-human by people. You don’t have to seek social acceptance points from people who want to do you harm. No need to call hard working Canadian’s ‘Nazi’ just because you want to get into Watson’s pants, or Trudeau’s, etc for various sexual pleasures and painfully low self-gratification points.
Ottawa, as a city, treated me with outright disrespect from beginning until recent. For example:
I noted my double workplace abuse of how I was treated like trash. Cashiers yelling at me for wet shopping carts, being set up to be yelled at by customers, being bullied by students and teachers alike in a pincer movement teaching environment. I was also being targeted for workplace violence & harassments to cause people to quit, and just…. It keeps going. My various hobbies and enjoyments constantly under assault. I’m not allowed to play Kantai Collection, Anime was insulted, and everything I do in life is allegedly wrong and “my fault”. It’s not that I do no wrong, it’s just that everything I do is viewed as 100% wrong, that’s how it comes off as to me. When people say things are my fault it always comes off as “everything is 100% your fault” and I’m fed up with people blaming me for everything under the sun. I’m not allowed to be a human, and nobody wants to have fun. Nobody wants to hang out, even resorting to making up excuses as to be ghosted. Only a rare few people want to hang out these days.
It required VRChat in late 2017 to regain my human emotions after being targeted for harassment and betrayed by numerous hobby folks. The “Dutch Knight” even losing his own sanity to fake politics treating me as some sort of villain. I want to call him an Dutch Sheep now. Nobody knows what friendship or loyalty even means either. Everything is disposable. Friends are supposed to last forever, not someone you throw away when you least desire them. Friends shouldn’t be treated similar to condoms. Friends are supposed to be there through TICK AND THIN! The GOOD and the BAD. Friends are your friends for a reason. Idiot! Not just him, those who view friends as discardable trash are the sin of the world.
On a secondary note, even looking back at the current state relating to the ‘Freedom Convoy’ of Canada relating to governmental over-reach is just as bad. The depression people felt sparked into the ‘Freedom Convoy’ in Ottawa, across Canada, and around the WHOLE world. It wasn’t a solely Ottawa thing. Protests in every major city of Canada with violence caused by those local to the city, or backed by Trudeau’s terroristic groups. None related to the truckers, even if falsely reported by the news backed by Trudeau. We even had Freedom Convoys at two border points, in British Columbia, and even around the world for a proper cause. Just about every nation had one, and was inspired by the brave Canadian Truckers fighting for our freedom. Many nations loosened their draconian laws and regulations, yet Canada (idiot Trudeau) refused along with Japan. Trudeau fueled his own ego; Both Canadian and Japanese politicians failed their people.
Observing how brainwashed Ottawaians (with the help of American radicals) treated those protesting (Truckers and others) for a better future makes 95% of the world feel sick. The egoistical Dictator Trudeau pushed out the ‘Freedom Convoy’ calling him out on his insecure Dictator-desiring nonsense, meanwhile other nations loosened up. Not Canada! It took a natural disaster in Ontario (around Ottawa) and American frustration to loosen up further draconian Covid mandates. The wind downburst of 2022 forced Trudeau’s Dictator hands to loosen up more of his draconian nonsense. American were complaining how overly controlling and corrupted Canada turned out to be.
(A female news caster on CFRA whined and moaned during the tornado-thunderstorm downburst as to why no company desired to provide ice to Ottawa residents. You shunned the truckers, you disrespected your actual populace, and you openly admitted to destroying Canada by kicking the Freedom Convoy out of Ottawa & Canada. That’s your genuine 100% consequences for being moronic. People were genuinely suiciding in large numbers, yet you both and didn’t care about the mass suicides caused by the lockdowns. Towing a fake political line. If you treated truckers with respect you would have all the ice you could ever desire, especially sponsored by whichever ice company respected you. Ottawa is overly stupid.)
If it wasn’t for the American electrician utility trucks aiding Ottawa during that severe downburst then we would still be under draconian nonsense relating to the ArriveCan, among other needless restrictions. Many nations called us out for our idiocies, such as USA, Greece, and other European politicians. Especially during the time of mental distress & national distress. Canadians were dying in larger numbers (especially through suicide) more than Covid-19! Ottawa radicals openly supported Dictator Trudeau’s nonsense, even pretending they’ve won a war in their grand delusions. The overly childish war of ‘The War of Billings bridge”….. It just shows how mentally handicapped Ottawa has become, and why Ottawa never has anything worthwhile in this city. Because of those mentally handicapped residence fighting against their own freedom, shunning truckers spawning further depression; Spreading ill will through their false grand delusions. Granted, not all of Ottawa, just the radicalized morons. Many others protested City of Ottawa’s over-reach relating to jerry cans and fuel waving them in front of the pressured police, who also aren’t innocent themselves. The radicalized Ottawa sadly even supported an overly egoistical Prime Minister Justin Trudeau while even praising whatever corrupted thing Watson had told the public. Nobody was harmed relating to the truckers, everything was a false-flag nonsense against the truckers. It sadly worked, and more depressed than ever. It’s genuinely why Ottawa is so boring, so uneventful, and why people are so miserable in this city. It’s why I was bullied, and why it’s a “city that fun forgot”.
(It’s also why British Columbia is so corrupt, now turning into a tent city in Kelowna, among other cities. Politicians and Trudeau are trash.)
“no fun allowed”
“The City that Fun forgot”
“Why is Ottawa so boring?”
Just ask yourself as to why every other major city has a Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft, or other major company, while Ottawa doesn’t? Why is Ottawa the odd one out? It doesn’t want to have one. We even lost a KLM 747 thanks to low demand. Because of Trudeau and Watson we’re not allowed to have fun, yet the mentally ill are allowed to roam free destroying everything whatever the fuck they want thanks to Trudeau’s guidance and insistence.
If I die now it’s because someone assassinated me and it’s all Trudeau’s fault. And the radicalized morons in Ottawa and the surrounding areas.
Kids and elderly were the most vulnerable during the draconian Pandemic times unable to socialize, not even treated as humans. I heard their cries for being unable to grief a loss of their loved ones during a funeral. They were suiciding en-mass, officially sourced by mainstream media. Many kids were becoming as socially depressed as I was, even worse so. They had enough to the point they’ve taken their own lives simply becoming a statistic for Dictator Trudeau’s political nonsense. Even my coworker took his own life, something I’ve learned recently in 2023. He took his life in February, I found out after my trip to Japan in late April. Same with the elderly with no social outlet, something they rely on the daily! Games can only take you so far. Those in between the young and the elderly were visibly becoming alarmingly obese and unhealthy, yet it’s something Ottawa praises and defends. An unhealthy person is the best person, or so those in Ottawa and across Canada claim. Unhealthy obese people can’t topple the reign of a Dictator in Canada.
Look! I was born in Canada (in Ottawa), yet I’m not allowed in it. Constantly given the evil look, bullied, treated like shit, or other negative vibes. When I do walk around I can have certain amounts of freedom, yet over-all I feel like I do not belong here. I constantly feel out of place. It simply feels like I simply do not belong in Ottawa. More so thanks to radicalized Americans invading Ottawa on a war campaign to defund the police, to “Kill all males”, to trumpet fake pride of Transgender, and to be this false voice of hope. It’s disgusting. It genuinely disgusts people who have fled from war torn nations to see such naïve and childish individuals protesting for like brainless school children doing overly childish things wasting their voices over non-issues. It’s no wonder we’re not allowed to have anything, even in Ottawa.
Ottawa, those radicalized in Ottawa, always desired to pretend another nation attacked them. They want to falsely claim another group has invaded them, has done them wrong, when nothing of that sort has occurred. They strongly desire the illusion of an invasion to grow their inflated delusional egoes. They always want to feel someone has abused them, has done them wrong, yet when something genuine has occurred they gaslight genuine victims. They’re however perfectly fine with bullying other people for “wrong think”.
(Look at offended individuals hating on an Anime named ‘The Rising of The Shield Hero’ calling out false rape accusations. Apply that to Ottawa.)
I’m also constantly annoyed by Canadian woman, especially those in Ottawa. I know of proper Ottawa women who are kind, they are however few and far. Hard to find proper ones, and they’re already taken most of the time. I genuinely dislike whiny “Starbucks female” idiots always being the most dramatic type wearing the weirdest (corny) of fashions imaginable. These Ottawa woman/girls that annoy me tend to be the overly whiny and dramatic types, valley girl vocabulary. Nothing modest about them. Others also falsely assume I’m some creep, or assume I may violate them sexually while at an Ottawa Library (2015), or other locations. One idiotic girl moved from next to me from a library computer to the opposite side to use another computer because I allegedly creeped her out. You do that, I don’t like you. Very unattractive. I WON’T DO ANYTHING TO HARM A GIRL, yet you do everything to harm me for crying out loud. Girls always seeking to be sexually violated by other guys, yet you’re somehow freaked out by me. Beutiful logic there, girl. Behaving as if I’m going to murder you, what the heck?! To these various females I basically amount to god damn nothing to you pieces of shits bratty girls. Stop going to Starbucks, lose the bratty attitude, and be an actual girl for god sakes. Another case had someone I know be a victim of a hungry ‘MILF (an ex-wife) preying on young teen guys for love. Hitting on a younger male claiming she’s innocent, attractive, and an allegedly “good catch”. Not with that attitude you’re not. Ottawa is messed up. Too horny, not too intelligent.
No wonder people are less and less happy these days seeking love and partnership in foreign nations. Sadly, that’s also an issue of still finding a needle in a haystack. Females are so useless (In North America, and growing issue in Europe) to the point everybody is hitting an artificial brick wall. Not to be a misogynist, they’re however making people be such a thing, sadly including myself with the amount of frustrations brought on by them. Even other females hate other females. It’s worse than toxic… Even betrayed by Slavic woman as well. Holy shit! Is nothing sacred? Everything is pissed on.
(Side-note: Recently overhearing various conversations relating to workplaces in the past relating to how guys boast how they sexually violated female cashiers, even with those cashiers being willing to be violated. Some even accusing guys of false-rape accusations. Sluts. Ottawa is full of sluts and man-whores. Shame. No dignity at all. Honestly. Females in Ottawa genuinely admire being sexually violated, treating any other guy like trash. You either violate them and they’re happy, or you don’t and they view you negatively. I’m certain it isn’t unique to Ottawa, yet appears to be what Ottawa prides itself in constantly being a common topic. Sluts and man-whores.)
An overly friendly female coworker, after hearing what I went through, noted how people simply wanted to break me with how abusive they had been towards me. They simply desired to see me broken (like a zombie) with dead eyes and no personality. Coworkers, people, etc. I agree with that observation made. Workplaces indeed have a “no bullying and harassment” regulation, yet it’s not enforced due to nepotism, social structure of the workplace, and workplace skimming the rules in an ‘Threading the needle’ manner.
You’re not allowed to be a human.
I’m a silent person, people know me as such in the real world. People take great advantage of that in reality as well to the point I had to become overly passive-aggressive to keep these abusive folks at bay. I stay to myself only saying what needs to be said when it needs to be (for the most part). Other people put me down, treat me with disrespect, or harshly interject voiding my words to which I become frustrated. The more negative things people say the less I want to be around them. I’m not allowed to be here, nor allowed to be myself. Even when I’m trying to do my best people still interject negatively instead of trying to lift you up and up. I’m not allowed to enjoy my hobbies. Everything is always my fault. People usually tend to say negative things in the pretext of “helping”. People forgot how to respectfully compliment one another, let alone trying to keep one another alive. You’re supposed to help people up, not knock them down. Granted, tough love is a thing, people simply don’t have the dexterity for it.
Busou Shinki Fandom:
An ex-blogger by the name of ‘Persocom’ introduced Busou Shinki to me via Renge for my love of Kitsune, or Fox girls on Pixiv. The more serious types of Fox girls. Because of Persocom’s recommendation I purchased Shinki Renge while obtaining more Shinki girls in between of her release. Shinki Benio from a now closed Anime Shoppe, Kohiru, and others. Renge became my blog’s proxy-mascot (secondary mascot) by simply being a fox girl while my main fox mascot was still a ‘Work in progress’ (Varakitsu). Persocom and myself sadly parted ways over trivial issues. It’s weird. However, thanks to him I would enjoy Busou Shinki to this very day.
I would take so many pictures it made me happy. I enjoyed Battle Rondo MMO, Battle Masters on PSP, yet people constantly kept stealing my thunder. Hijacking a Promotional video on Youtube, taking all the hype away via Battle Masters videos on Youtube, and just destroying any good will and interest in Busou Shinki to others. Danny Choo hated Busou Shinki favouring Figmas, yet he allowed it. Danny Choo hijacked Frame Arms Girl by injecting his Mirai Doll nonsense causing any good will there to be lost. People hating me, frustrations grew, and depressions can be seen in every Frame Arms Girl & Busou Shinki TV anime blog review relating to bullying and out-casting. Once again, becoming a social reject thanks to other people’s clout chasing. You know who the hell you are. Spamming everywhere turning the hobby into an popularity contest, not something we naturally enjoy. Holy fuck! We’re supposed to be united enjoying the hobby, not clout chasing like some slut seeking attention. This is also worse in the North American fandom. Us Westerners destroy everything and it’s always that case. I’m just trying to have fun yet constantly shoved aside like some trash. Everybody is hungry for those views! And only those views! Shame.
While “ego-searching” (as noted via Oshi no Ko) I often would find people stealing my thunder relating to Battle Rondo, Battle Masters, or even noting how they preferred other Busou Shinki ‘masters ‘Masters over myself. My pictures were “too rough” for them while they preferred more Japanese-y images. Depressing. Or how people would crop my name out of the image for offending them to then post on 4chan, or whatever. That’s how you ruin things in life……… Or how we steal one another’s Promotional Video of Busou Shinki for their own gain without any feedback of any sort. It’s all a game for attention. What a shame.
The ‘Busou Shinki World Forums’ is another case with simple disagreements of me being a piece of crap while they favoured Japanese review people. They allegedly claimed I ruined them, yet what about me? I’ve been thrown into the dumpster on numerous occassions, especially via the dramatic nonsense we’ve had on that place. They wouldn’t assist with models for games, nor reverse-engineer Battle Rondo models into other games. They would talk in a Cbox chatbox all day while stealing content from other places, or simply act all ‘high-and-mighty’. Low-effort type of work. I had fights with an fellow Canadian who was overly intelligent, yet morally corrupted Busou Shinki hobbiest. Smart, yet morally corrupted. Always bickering and fighting, especially on a Skype group, in the CBox, and me sabotaging Cboxia for calling one of my builds hideous, or close to that. Too egoistical. Too much bad blood, too much time and can’t be friends. I however befriended a few folks, both eventually also finding themselves in VRChat. One is in VRChat more than I am, once again stealing my thunder, this time in a good way. Us Westerners are just too dramatic, I hate it. More content, less laziness.
(People also hated me on Tumblr once I turned into them. I would act like them, behave like them. They hated what they saw sabotaging and unfollowing me. Everything collapsed in 2017, all thanks to one untruthful Dutch person. Tumblr is the fault for everything, hence why Twitter is as vile as it is today. Also because of mainstream media corruption. Never apologies, people simply want to see you in ruins.)
I’ve also tried injecting various Busou Shinki stuff into VRChat, having more plans to do so for a game called ‘Rising World’ doing more than what Busou Shinki World has ever done to or for me.
I’m also genuinely well aware I also keep sabotaging myself with my own depression. Sadly, it’s what happens when people throw you under the bus on numerous occasions, disregarding you, even rejecting what you have to post. I’ve known various Japanese folks come and go while I constantly struggle in this process called “life”. I haven’t given up on Busou Shinki yet, though struggled to regain my composure since the early 2017 betrayals. Took me many years to get back on my feet. Even encouragement from Japanese folks, those of whom I now assume have left me after my various frustrated tweets on Twitter in the 2023 timeframe. All Anime related poking at fake politics, and the whole “kill all males” narrative potentially being in Anime (The Magical Revolution of the Reincarnated Princess and the Genius Young Lady). Either way people tend to be the worst when they seek clout or gaslight you, especially when they throw you under the bus. They’re even worse when they cave into fake political nonsense, as has happened many times in my blogging experience. I’m not perfect, yet I’m human. I try to owe up to my mistakes, yet won’t apologize needlessly, as noted by Oshi no Ko. If you apologize you’re basically good as dead. You’re not allowed to live, etc. I’m not allowed to be a polite Canadian anymore in this political climate we live in. Everything is offensive, even the images I post of Busou Shinki, or how I post them.
I’ve also sadly lost touch Persocom trying to say “what’s up” via Second Life, etc. Everything was my fault in Late Minecraft gameplay onwards causing everything to be awkward, especially how I contacted him back then. Attempted to redeem situation via Rising World, yet still soured. Pokemon GO nearly mended the situation, yet everything still sour. Everything is still my fault not being the way it was in the past.
Renge has been my blessing, and I view her very fondly and specially for that. Allegedly a person on Busou Shinki Forums claimed they respected me for Renge, yet couldn’t comprehend my depression hating how I kept noting I would quit the hobby. They gave up on me noting their disapproval for me. I however am allegedly the cause for Renge’s inflated cost and demand in Japan. At least that’s one good blessing from being betrayed by people. I admire the Japanese fandom, yet hate the Western fanbase. So dishonest and attention seeking.
Even a Russian who helped turned Arnval into Renge for VRChat, eventually unfollowed me; Even stopping contact with me. Can’t talk, nor converse with them ever again.
I genuinely admire the Japanese fandom so much, knowing full well it’s not perfect. It also has it’s own bunch of corrupted individuals, yet what Japan has to offer is worth more (far more worthwhile) than what Westerners have to offer. I know I’m a part of that Westerner grouping, yet what I see is what Japan folks see as well, and it’s alarming. Even the positive stuff is cancerous. I’m just here for the satisfaction of the hobby. This is why we can’t have nice things in North American and Europe because we keep screwing shit up. Granted, seeing Japanese Otakus squirt their semen onto female Anime figures is genuinely disgusting. There has to be a line drawn, even in a Japanese community. Disgusting.
I’ve openly asked for where the Busou Shinki Arcade is in Tokyo, nobody answered me. I was never able to find a Busou Shinki Arcade in Japan, yet found Kantai Collection instead. People wanted me to share every bit of KanColle. Screw Busou Shinki? Nobody wants me to hype it up? Shame.
I have two Renge’s, first is my own and second is Persocom’s. Factory defect on the first. I wish for a third being from Kotobukiya. Please make one! I want a Renge. I want to keep bringing her on my adventures.
From all the abuse, betrayals, and negativity I’m genuinely happy for VRChat allowing me to be happy again. Using VRChat as a therapy tool without even realizing it after the numerous abuses and traumas I had to face. Coworkers in Ottawa noting how depressive I was a few days after being thrown under a bus by the “Dutch Knight”. It took me a few years to regain my positive emotional state, my composure, and even half of my hobby status. People robbed a fair amount from me, and I won’t forgive them for that. It took Nagzz21, VRChat, and those I met for me to more-or-less regain my humanity.
Sadly, with VRChat’s success it became harder to escape from the negativity once more, especially when evading all the political nutcases on there, and the transgender freaks. The fake alphabet people pretending they’re being “true to themselves” when they’re openly admitting how gullible they are in the world. Even with that nonsense, late 2017 gradually allowed me to meet up with various interesting people, though they gradually drifted in their own direction thanks to life itself. Even regardless of that, even if I may potentially be viewed as a villain, I’m genuinely thankful towards Nagzz21, even to this day! Even after having been sidelined by him on Twitter. He allowed me to be human again for simply making VRChat popular enough for me to notice it. I needed this! I gained VRChat and two VR Headsets (one after the other; Oculus Rift, and then a Valve Index) thanks to how special both VRChat and the VR space is! It was like therapy for me. I’ve met neat people, had neat conversations, explored surreal dream-like worlds, and had some overly memorable moments I couldn’t ever dream of replacing.
As for the negative of VRChat, and the constant frustrations and depressions would lead to many idling moments in VRChat. People ghosting me for other groups, people passing me up for clout in other areas, and just missing out on what makes VRChat special. I would eventually discover as to why I couldn’t befriend Raddles, let alone Jackey, among numerous other people. They’re both Trans-gender nutcases. They may not realize it, yet they’re the part of the cause of social decline in our world, and VRChat itself. Don’t get me wrong! Other people were trying to be nice to me in Nagzz’s VRChat world, I respect and admire that. Helping me out, poking me when I idled, and even asking me if things were “alright”. Yeah, except for the lag. On their end, however, (Raddles, Jackey, and other Trans allies) were being simply childish fake spewing nonsense regarding the whole Transgender nonsense. It’s why people can’t have fun in general, and as to why Raddles was a moron pretending to be true to themselves when he should actually be true to his actual self. They’re both genuinely not actually honest with themselves, more so when regarding Instagram “hate”, what they allegedly label as “transphobia”. They’re simply not truly honest with their full self being in constant denial and rejection. Not being honest about being told the truth on Instagram alleging “transphobia”. Grow up! Everybody wants to be fake trans for fake clout points staying in weird cliques wearing it like fashion; Like a pair of warn out jeans. Sorry Raddles and Jacky, you’re both fake. As is everybody else pretending to be Trans.
Yes, I am singling them both out, with special thanks to their medically desiring delusions applying their behaviour to a cookie-cutter fad behaviour others display. Their mental illness is also the illness that hinders VRChat in all shapes, manners, and forms, among other mediums and outlets. Yes, via mannerisms, etiquette, among other factors. The crudeness is what kills everything (on top of the memes) making things highly unfun, and overly needlessly dramatic. It shows in small scale manners, especially on Twitter. It’s basically how they behave, how they carry themselves, and how they say things ruining everything for everybody; How others behave in VRChat, even those within ‘Midnight Haven’ constantly going on about Trans-Gender nonsense. I just don’t feel motivated to be in those groups in VRChat, feeling less and less comfortable as the years go by relating to this hostile ‘Alphabet” takeover. It’s not genuine, it’s not VRChat, and it’s not the real world. It’s a childish mentality causing people to forget about to be social.
The more honest and outgoing people are the better experiences tend to be. When you whine about photogrammetry being “lazy” while having little to no etiquette I have to avoid you. I struggle with photogrammetry myself, I admire it. I desired to make use of it for both VRChat & Rising World, yet it’s like talking to people who constantly fart out warm smelly farts. It’s off-putting. How crude Trans people and trans allies talk is similar to how horny guys talk while wanking out in public, even on the job, and elsewhere. It’s genuinely off putting. You genuinely would be off-put by someone not blowing their nose with snot lining their nostrils. Genuinely off-putting and disgusting. I’m only there (VRChat) for a few friends and the various worlds, the rest can go past me. I’m mentioning those two mentally ill VRChat folks because their attitude is a cookie cutter nonsense applied to everybody else who fake-believes in Transgender ideologies like some fad fashion statement. It’s only a phase, get over it. Yes, get over it. Grow up and move on. The real world hammers you back into your place so fast you wish you would have been sensible from the get-go.
Trying to discuss this point with various people would always falsely label everything as being a “me” problem when I simply desire to explore VRChat in a dream-like state. To converse with people who are actually themselves, down to earth, and actually human. Basically explore various worlds as if it was a dream; Socializing with those who want to have small-talk, specially being their GENUINE 100% self, not their corrupted selves. The whole escapism is what makes VRChat great, yet people constantly inject real-world nonsense into somewhere it doesn’t belong. VRChat is supposed to be a dream, not a cancerous hell hole.
I somewhat gave up VRChat, occasionally returning for the Booth avatars, the nostalgia, and the various experiences. It isn’t what it used to be, especially with the damages caused by the mentally delusional “trans” people. Highly dishonest folks, talking from experience.
We come into VRChat to escape, not to be told we amount to garbage, let alone told to be “trans” when you aren’t. Go sort your mental disease elsewhere. Go to some boring town in the outskirts to spew political nonsense there. I want my escapism! As do other genuine people. I’m now genuinely glad I haven’t dug deep into their social group, now knowing full well as to why I was constantly rejected, sidelined, and other nonsense. Similar to an abusive religion selling the whole ‘Transgender’ garbage as some sort of drug or religion to the point it becomes sickening, like radiation poisoning. Thanks to that I’ve also became highly wary of ‘Midnight Haven’ (Not just Nagzz’s past VRChat groups) as well with how pro-Trans they are. I just….. It’s like watching kids poop in the middle of the street, not clearing their snot from their nostrils, and farting hot smelly farts everywhere. It’s genuinely disgusting. Learn some manners, these people have none. The way they carry themselves isn’t classy, nor elegant. Constant potty mouths, crude lewdness, and no etiquette. It’s like eating food with a giant rusty pickaxe. The way they appear, how they walk, and how distorted their style is horrible and crude.
I don’t hate Midnight Haven, or VRChat itself. There are cool people, they’re however painfully corrupted. Midnight Haven itself is cool, yet people attaching themselves to Trans ideologies pains & corrupts everything around it. People seek attention from big groups while ignoring other people around them. Shame. The things which make VRChat fun is intentionally being overlooked for “bigger is better” viewpoints. It’s so depressing to the point my friend noted to stop going onto VRChat. Go on less, do actual more worthwhile things. Do more productive things. I agree.
I’m still frustrated over the fact during 2022’s Halloween I was left alone. We ventured to an old-fashioned Halloween mansion with various attractions found elsewhere leaving me all alone, and forgotten. People intentionally not posting images with my avatar in it. People avoiding me, not talking to me. I ventured to a neighboring haunted huts opening me up for jump scares. As I neared a door an entity popped up causing me to scare-dial some candy core stickers into the air in fear. I genuinely jumped, also depressed I was left alone for nobody to witness this. I cursed, ending up as “depressed Renge” for the rest of the night. Even in that grouping with nobody to talk to, nobody to converse with all just because I’m not Transgender, nor as popular as my friends. I’m just this piece of trash to people. I miss normal down-to-earth people who are actually proper people. I wish they were still around, easy to converse with. Shame.
I admired Nagzz21, it’s however a shame I’m sidelined by him. It’s depressing VRChat is filled with fake Alphabet people. Thankfully I still have Hololive and other mediums to be happy with. We are simply not allowed to have fun, nor converse. Nagzz had to move on just as much as I had to move onto other avenues to make me genuinely happy.
Sadly, even with my new group of friends I’ve also felt like the “odd man out” trying to tune my headset volume properly, untangling my headset wires, or just trying to have fun in a world without lag. They tended to do things without me, at times. My best experiences in VRChat was always the “less is more” approach when it comes to people. The times I’ve genuinely became depressed was being ignored by people during hangouts on both Nagzz21 and Midnight Haven side. Being sidelined numerous times by my buddies for other distractions on their end, or when people would kidnap a person while shoving me aside like some fan of an idol moment. I would occasionally sit in the digital corner all depressed doing nothing. Looking disfigured in the avatar I am as I lay down, pouting. Some people would headpat me, yet do nothing more than that.
I’ve genuinely felt depressed in VRChat going into VRChat to become happy to simply wander from world-to-world, or sit in the world doing nothing. Watching. Watching other people have fun in their world while ignoring me. Yes, I’ve even joined their world to be ignored, or told off by a “new-found-friend” the next day over, or feeling bad from work to have another user try to make me happy as a Family Guy character while I was the rude one. Too much depression. The times I’ve been happy were from Japanese oriented worlds and angles. Their worlds are the best, as is their content.
I’ve even been blamed for not playing hide and seek properly when I was also petting an real world cat who came to visit me while playing VRChat. Everything always has to be my fault. Shame.
People love grouping up while I simply get left behind, or stealing from me, or ignoring me. It’s why I gravitated away at times to other games, such as Rising World, and others.
VRChat is sadly filled with swarms of Transgender and furries to the point it makes it impossible to converse and have fun. Even people following the latest memes saying “poggers” every other word. Yes, VRChat emotionally rescued me in the time of need. It sadly became a curse of its own success providing refuge to the scum of society. There are indeed pockets of elegance and surreal awesome experiences. It sadly isn’t what it used to be. Sure, they (trans & furries) can have fun, it’s not as normal as it previously was. Other normal people can’t, even if VRChat has achieved many more milestones than Facebook META, or any other platform. My proudest moments and memories are from 2018 to 2019. It dipped into sadness and depression once people became dramatic, fake Trans, and other nonsensical nonsense. The best part of VRChat is the Japanese side, especially with VKet. Everything Japanese is a wholesome and poetic experience.
VRChat is the type of game where you should be able to get drunk to loosen up and have fun. There is little of that now than ever, especially on my side. Only stupid Transgender shit, tribal mentality, and people not knowing how to have fun.
Japanese VRChat is where it genuinely is at now. Thank you Japan for being awesome, and for Nagzz for saving me back in early 2017, even if you don’t want to acknowledge that.
I’ve thought about this numerous times, hence the header image (the first image) was posted first. I’ve even told my father this, he kept telling me not to do so. He tried talking me down from it to the point I’d just walk away in neutrality. He kept telling me to stay alive, to be here and to keep living. He’s well aware of how moronic Ottawaians can be, especially with their own version of Canadian Communism, snitching, and other childish and naive nonsense. My father was well aware of that even before I obtained a full grasp of it myself. When my father was alive he always listened to my frustrations (when not drinking) always telling me to move forward. I kept telling him how much I hated this frustrating world, how much I hate the people, the vileness of people. The kindness I know from people is few and far, especially with how people don’t know how to socially communicate with one another. Nobody knows how to hold a proper conversation, let alone how to be a proper human. Sadly, my father has passed away in 2020 causing me to stop venting to my parents. Nobody to vent to. Liver disease took his life. Both motherless and fatherless (and without my friend, Sparky) I’m left on my own for the most part. Few years apart from one another.
(Handyman Anime is a very relatable Anime of simply being wanted in a world. It genuinely gave me tears for how relatable and how awesome the anime is. I wish it had more episodes. Such a beautiful Anime.)
Even my roommates (those who helped me out since 2020) bullied me in the first few months constantly stressing me further to the point of suicidal points. Always pressuring me to get a new place, sell my stuff. Do something! I want to, yet inflation is so bad I’m stuck in limbo. I want my own place so I don’t have to deal with anybody’s idiocy. My main roommate even justifying my bulling as being a “me” problem, not an Ottawa vileness problem. And there you have it! Everything is my fault again. According to him bullying was justified just because I couldn’t find my socks for work in a dryer. Later found in another pile. They’re also politically corrupted believing truckers to be terrorists, believing everything the media tells them. That explains a lot. Media brainwashing people.
I’ve thought about various suicide attempts in scenarios formats. Even how to do it. What’s the quickest and painless manner? Being run over by a vehicle? Jumping off a bridge into water? What snake is the best? I rather not do beheadings. Should I just go into a ghetto and asked to get respectfully killed? Maybe something I can eat that’s instant; Less than 1 second.
Even while working (on those depressing days) I occasionally day-dreamed in various situations and scenarios, especially ones relating to social media interactions. Not for clout, though for awareness. Being dramatic with the situation for the whole depressed amusement of it all to liven things up in some manner. We live in a world where people forgot how to converse with one another, how to interact with one another, and even how to be social with one another.
I even thought of suiciding twice while in British Columbia. Once because of the whole Esquimalt drone happening expecting some military guys to come after us. This was while being stuck in a truck, unable to go anywhere. The second situation relating to being harshly scolded for not being on Tinder to meet girls. Then when I’m on it I simply see girls baring their horny ass without any brains, and others trying to scam me for crypto or Forex scams. I was being scolded for not having a female friend while also being told I’m not doing a lot to meet them, not being “pro-active”, and how I’ll be a worthwhile trash in the 40’s, etc. It hit me hard to the point I desired to end my life in Revelstoke’s mountains. Just go up there, letting it all go. The thought of my Steam Deck was the only thing preventing me from taking my own life. Everything is so useless in this era to the point I’m simply angry at everything. I snap at everything, from being a silent and patient young kid.
I view woman (from experience) as wanting to be intentionally difficult allowing me to view myself as being “forever alone” for that simple fact of their own stubbornness. Even with the whole movement of how woman want to kill males and sabotage them. They genuinely want to be painfully difficult, slutty, or abusive to the point everything sucks. They want to be gold diggers, sluttly, slutty MILFs, and other painful traits. Nothing like you would see in proper slice-of-life Romance or Isekai Animes when they behave properly. Real world f emales desiring to bed rich guys while (at the time) I was this allegedly ugly dude with long hair (up to 2022), among other real world guys being sidelined over fake political nonsense. I’m genuinely more confident with myself, sadly still as frustrated with the delusions and fakeness of society. Everything is pathetic. I genuinely bettered myself, especially when in Japan (Late March to May) having cleaned up a fair amount, yet still been passed up by overly shy Japanese woman favouring staying foreigners instead of a hasty traveler like me. I’m simply a pile of trash, as people may even be thinking reading this. When it comes to female desires I’m simply not worth it, and I personally feel that. Even when needing assistance in a retail setting I’m not worth it. Other times I simply lock up from fatigue and stress. Not shyness, though other times that’s true.
“You take things personally” – Friend to me.
When you’re treated as trash, as I have been throughout the years, you view things in various ways. You have this certain perspective while other people have theirs from their own experiences. All I seek is genuine honesty from people. I hate people. I respect honest people, yet I hate people for how much they had abused me throughout the years. I can’t really make friends with how dishonest people are. Everybody is abusive while wearing masks not allowing them to be themselves.
“Oh, sorry! I’m busy“, yet they end up golfing with another person. Or it’s bowling, or other activities. You want to plan something with someone yet always get ghosted. Every time I want to hang out nothing happens. Barely.
(I have too much anger and frustration in me. I doubt I’ll ever be able to mellow out with how things are going in this growingly corrupted society. Intentionally being destroyed by the politicians and governments sabotaging everything we hold sacred and for granted.
“No Fun Allowed”)
Traveling & Anime is my saving grace. Same with video games. Without them I’d be dead, not having experience Anime, traveling, nor Japan itself. Both Anime and having traveled is something I’m overly proud of, hence this [Travel page] here. Sadly, I’m also not allowed to be proudful of that either when people play competitive games by boasting their own experiences in a rude competitive manner.
As noted earlier, I believe Anime has kept me alive by simple obsessions alone by admiring the poetic and philosophical nature of it. The dark main aspects with overly colourful trims, or how sophistically drawn various characters, wallpapers, and other aspects are created. The music always keeping me at peace, and the characters being relatable and beautiful. Far more detailed than any other show I had seen prior to 2000’s. Anime’s presence alone has kept me curious about Japan long enough to have learned about the more minor things only natives would only be aware of by having me FINALLY travel to Japan after 23 years of waiting. Plotting, and planning. Having been introduced to Anime twice via Gundam Wing (2000), and then Fate/Stay Night (2006), among other shows on the side with lower pull impact (Pokemon, Inyuasha, among others). I’ve stayed with Anime ever since both Gundam Wing & Fate/Stay Night allowing me to binge watch a few hours every night, sadly forgetting the majority of them over time. Hearing what the authors had to say through their Anime (through experience), listening to the complex and professionally crafted music, learning about Japan’s small things in the anime, and the various numerous likeable and relatable characters. It’s poetic, it’s philosophical, and it’s soothing.
Anime is my primary route of escapism, along with various Japanese-created video games in a world where I meant nothing to people. Especially the more feminine characters types are more appealing than those of the more abusive real-world types, or at least from my experiences. Hence, why various Otaku’s (even Japanese ones) note it’s too much work to be with real world woman, as much as they want to be with a real world woman. Constantly shamed, yet still eager to admire the feminine appearance and charms. Granted, sex-obsessed Otakus in Japan (and the world) are screwed up, they however do have a point it’s hard to be friends with the opposite gender than it is to make friends with fellow guys. Woman hate one another while guys more-or-less find even ground. Guys trying to befriend woman is like a coyote biting your ass and giving you rabes (rabes being money stolen, and betrayal, etc in this context).
I admire my Anime for how far more sophisticated it is, even if Westerners love picking it apart in envy. I sadly can’t eloquently word exactly why I admire Anime, just that it’s complexity and atmosphere are both the reasons why, among others. Westerners shall never grasp the full context, nor full complexities as the Japanese would, or how I’ve enjoyed it. Far too complex to the point simple-minded folks cry Anime tends to be boring, while others claim Anime is for kids in pure ignorance.
Anime has painful amounts of references and resources poured into making it far more complex than any American media put out there. Even the ‘Isekai’ and ‘romance’ are far more worthwhile than any 2000’s movie placed out there. Don’t believe me? View the stats, view the media, and view the artistic differences. Manga is outperforming comic books many times over, now more so than ever thanks to fake politics ruining the comic book industry. Nobody wants Transgender bullshit in their Anime and comics causing those to fail instantly. True gay and lesbian genres thrive, not the LGBTQ+ corrupted bullcrappery. They die instantly.
Before passing away in distress, my mother noted how “Your Anime girls won’t save you!”
I agree, they won’t. I however am alive, aren’t I? I’m still curious, and I proudly traveled not only to Vancouver, but also Japan! At last! How many years? I’m proud. I’m proud of my 1 month Japan trip.
Real world woman have betrayed me, or treating me like I’m not there. Those who aren’t my coworkers, that is. Heck, half of those in my workplace and the majority in the real world treat myself and others as others don’t exist. It’s like a ghostly world. Others were noted in being sluts by overly corrupted full-timers taking advantage of their workplace position. I simply find females in Ottawa to be morally corrupted, physically unfit, and not modest in the slightest. Sure, I see them in their swimsuits, I’m however curious to keep up to date with how horrible they are locally. How untrustworthy Ottawa woman are. How sexually deprived they are needing to be FAR more modest than they currently are.
I have my proper feminine role-models (anime types and certain real world Asian woman) to follow and partially to live by who also teach their characters (and the viewers) how to grow up as a normal human being. They nurture (even in anime form) while protecting those around them. In the real world being ghosted, lied to, and avoided by woman (not all) forces you to lean to more feminine and caring personalities, such as those found in Anime. My online experiences with woman have been sour with their nasty defensive attitude. It’s why more and more people favour Anime females characters than any real world ones with how “out-of-touch” real world females are.
“Why do guys favour anime girls?” – Female anime blogger
Maybe because Anime girls are sweet, even if they’re fictional characters. They’re who you’re supposed to be. Not some sour-patch candy causing your mouth to implode making weird facial expressions, maybe even potentially vomitting after from the sour-flavour overload. [Note: Yes, this happened to my roommate having vomitted sour patches before eating a Burger from Burger King causing the loudest vomit sound from a toilet I’ve ever heard.]
Too gross? Maybe woman should be more sweet and less bitchy. Use that analogy to be more sweet, feminine, and cute. Be more attractive and your true modest selves. Don’t be a Starbucks whiny weirdo. Or those who allow themselves to be sexually violated in varying types of workplaces.
People desire for more caring females, those who don’t ghost you, nor seek you out for money alone, hence why these genres are popular. Proper woman are in Anime (for the most part), not your whiny Starbucks bitch in the real world, or your overly eager slutty cashier in a retail setting, or other workplaces. Even at beaches, and elsewhere.
You desire actual caring and a true female partners? Those are actually portrayed proper feminine charms, especially those corrupted “feminist” groups allegedly claim to desire, yet deny on the daily. I admire Scathach from F/GO, Bismarck from both KanColle & Azur Lane, Holo from Spice & Wolf, among numerous others. There is a reason why. Their personality, their styles, and how feminine they tend to be while holding their own. They’re actually strong while earning their traits. Not like your spoiled bratty girls who go to Starbucks to then whine on Twitter in a Valley-Girl nonsensical idiocy. As noted previously, every Canadian girl is undesirable, such as the various ones I’ve encountered. They don’t have the same feminine charm as any Anime girl does, or as I’ve seen with Asian woman.
To find a proper partner I also have to basically do four times the actual effort to gain one locally, or to simply somehow find a loophole in Japan to find my partner. Or waste time in Vancouver seeking one out there myself.
Japanese woman are also very shy so it takes far more effort to befriend them. While in Tokyo (Near Asakusa Station) even when distressed in a Burger King a girl observed me struggling to use my PASMO. Eventually worked with a VISA card. I even looked around, failing to get it to work. She never assisted me. After all that I didn’t even get my side order of fries. R.I.P. Sure, they do smile, and that is indeed cute. I have to however be living there to obtain their hand. Shame. All smiles or no interaction at all. What a waste. After all that I had to go to a Mos Burger joint for a proper meal.
On top of the beauty of Anime, how much heart is poured into an Anime, how poetic it can be, and how philosophical it can be, it also has many lovable and relatable characters. Shikimori is one of those admirable characters making me desire I could encounter such a charming character as herself. Or Bismarck from Azur Lane & KanColle. Or, even Scathach, even if she’s originally a suicidal and skilled fighter wishing for death while immortal. She would have gone well with my Highschool suicidal self.
Even ‘Tenshi-sama’ is a lovable character with how fluffy and adorable she is, if with a healthy amount of push back. Always need a healthy amount of push-back.
I’m not asking for much, just a form of escapism admiring Anime for what it is while admiring the female form and charm. Yes, even the lewdly tasteful gravure types. I’m not into the hardcore, nor the BDSM, or anything that makes a girl suffer. I’m not into big breasts, or any other horrible fetish people have that is overly crude and idiotic. I’m into the more lovable and elegant side of anime and tasteful feminine beauty. Both in reality as in Anime. Any girl that can be cute, caring, loyal, and gifting is what I simply desire. One whom you can interact with and vice-versa in various hobby sorts without pulling a knife to one another’s throat.
As long as the lewdness is tasteful (as in gravure types) I’m fine with it. Going beyond tasteful lewds is disgusting. I just desire woman to be their feminine selves allowing everything to be normal, natural, and traditional. Basically what is found in Anime.
Anime is a great escapism, and I love it that way. Away from corrupted teachers, from abusive workplaces, and into a creative field where your imagination is your only limit. No artificial limits placed, as in Western mediums. Can find any genre to ease your torn-apart soul, healing it bit-by-bit in this weird world. Anything goes, and everything is free! It’s why Anime is as free and popular as it is allowing the author to express their thoughts fully through Anime & Manga while ignoring any political backlash, for the most part. Japan has failed a few times regarding ‘Nazi Gilgamesh’ for Fate/Extra, or similar, among other game releases.
Japanese Anime is best expressed uncensored, yet sadly censoring tactics have gradually been applied in a salami-slicing tactic. The complexity of Anime is what I admire the most in Anime, and as to why I’m hooked throughout the years, and why I still admire it so. People claim otherwise, yet it genuinely is a medium fit for the intellectually sophisticated in varying levels (not into crude lewds), along with those simply stressed from work. It can be as complex and as simple as you want it to be, hence the various genres contained within the Anime realm.
I genuinely hate the fakers latching onto Anime pretending to know what they’re talking about. Anime News Network, various Youtubers, Twitter morons, and other folks. Anime is best left unfiltered, unaltered in its true raw form. Many people have forgotten HOW to watch Anime, let alone how to be entertained by it, hence the constant backlash found on Twitter and other mediums causing various Anime to be altered in North America for America’s hurt feelings purposes. Altered subs to spew Transgender idiocies, Western political ideals. Everything is best in Japan.
Anime News Network put one of the best Anime in the “worst Anime list” for calling out false rape accusations, something that’s highly common in the world. ‘The Shield Hero’ has been hated by the morally corrupt folks for all the wrong reasons calling the fake individuals out exposing their mental illnesses as individuals. Goblin Slayer, Redo Healer, among numerous others. Normal folks can’t comprehend, nor are capable of comprehending an Anime. Granted, they’re also intentionally spinning false narratives about Anime to spout fake political nonsense in an area where it doesn’t belong. CNN, Vice News, Kotaku, among numerous ‘fake-news’ outlets feeling karma for messing around with something they shouldn’t have in the first place. Hopefully, even Reddit shortly enough. The more it irritates the easily offended, the better it is. It’s great!
It’s honestly no fucking wonder why ‘Isekai’ is a popular concept in the Anime world. People want to escape the negativity for a more popular medium. Not just Isekai, Romance Anime is on a major rise in popularity thanks to too many heart breaks and voids in the world. People genuinely enjoy their wholesome romance Anime in this vile and intentionally corrupted world with all the fake politics running rampant by idiot government officials.
Farming Life in Another World (above) is a charming Anime (allegedly better in Manga form) showing a bad life turning into a good life. Maybe far too positive for the main character, yet he accepts it. Every Isekai world has someone depressed, ill, killed by a truck (or a vehicle), or die from exhaustion to appear in another world facing varying levels of consequences. Some either positive , some harsher, and others far too painful for various individuals. Some characters even sadly sexually violated (Death March anime).
Farming Life in Another World is what the politically corrupted folks would labels as “toxic positivity”, relating to how the main character lives a far too positive of a life. He dies from a painful illness to be granted an overly healthy body allowing him to farm for food with a special tool. He eventually seduces a Vampire girl (with a bit of verbal pressure) to then make a whole village and town out of the area. It eventually escalates way out of proportion to Elves, Dark Elves, and varying other female settlers seeking refuge in his settlement.
The point is, proper guys simply want a loyal and loving female partner. It’s harder to obtain one now more than ever, especially with fake politics playing a part. Everything is far to negative, stressful, and painful to the point one considered suicide on the daily. Even if you have a loving partner, they may hate you. You have a knife behind you from society, a knife in front of you by a loving partner, a knife above you from your workplace, and a knife below you from your mental collapse. One needs a loving and loyal partner to flee those pains in life by pushing various knives to the side, or simply a better world where those knives are harmless and dull.
The one ex-Dutch friend told me to seek a therapist. That seems to be everybody’s issue forcing the therapist card on people. Seeking a therapist may help outside of Western nations, sadly not in Canada, and not in all situations. I purposely refused to seek a therapist’s assistance because I know my issue fully, and it’s Ottawa, it’s other people, and it’s how fake people are with their fake political garbage. NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO PROPERLY SOCIALIZE. Many things can be mended with people simply talking to one another, and not on a whiny Starbucks note either of “she was mean to me” nonsense. No! Be more social, or at least try to be.
The problem with people is favouritism as well ignoring other people. Not being acknowledged, or tribalism gatherings ignoring the other person. There are easy fixes, yet people make it far more complex than it should be. TALK! TALK properly with one another. Hang out with people. Be there for them, more so when shit hits the fan, or as the say goes. When things get rough HELP THEM OUT. Share stuff with them, assist them. Basically be there for them.
There is a god damn reason why we have formal greetings! It’s simple, yet it helps keep people in the loop. People sideline one another far too easily to the point they hide in their room to then stew suicidal thoughts. See someone accomplish something? Acknowledge that. See someone suffering? Lend a hand. Don’t be like that one Japanese girl in Japan who didn’t help me with a PASMO in a Burger King, be more helpful and kind by guiding others step-by-step as friendly as possible. Ask someone what’s wrong and help them. Barely anybody fucking does that. People want a place to belong (as shown in Handyman Anime, and others), to be loved, to be social and have fun.
People act when it’s far too late, as noted by stories I heard from Japan of suicidal students from Japanese schools. Sources being J-Vlogger. Remember my lunch detention? This being similar, yet for bullied students in Japan. They were allegedly being protected by being in this class. Simply being in the presence of them helps, or so was noted by this Vlogger’s story. They’re now alive doing their own thing in life, having thanked them for being there. Or talking to them on the daily keeps them alive. Sadly, this latter incident sadly took one of these more reclusive, yet social lady’s life after one day of having not been conversed with. The Vlogger missed talking to this stressing lady to the point she sadly took her own life. Communicating with other people goes a long way, especially acknowledging they exist.
“Why didn’t you talk to me about it?” Mother of Akane
“I didn’t want to worry you” *cries* – Akane to her mother.
There is this of not wanting to hurt anybody so they stay silent, and people don’t want to listen when you do talk to them. It’s a double-edged sword. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
They didn’t talk to you because you aren’t trustworthy enough. I myself have warned people how much I, myself, was in distress yet people never cared. Always ignored, viewed negatively, or forwarded to seeking therapy as if that’s a magical cure. Therapy won’t magically cure societal idiocy. What does? Having kind and helpful people does. Having more helpful and natural humans (in that traditional manner) allows people to behave as their own species was intended to behave – like humans. I’ve lost a coworker to suicide who gave his laptop to his brother with alleged messages on it, yet nothing was said to myself or others. He stayed strangely silent, even notifying others via Discord of leaving this world on February 20th, 2023. I pinged him numerous times.
When someone is silent they’re up to something.
There are points where you simply keep it in and explode. You roast in your own depression. Nobody to talk to, nobody that cares, and also to see WHO cares. If people don’t chime in then they don’t care about you. You play these serious games of “who cares about me? Who doesn’t?”…. If nobody, you seek death. If nobody gives you a helping hand then nobody cares about you. Therapists or not, nothing helps you. You wait for someone to join you in a game, to talk about various topics. Nobody does, so you basically let it loose. Things simply give up.
Talking to someone? When nobody wants to listen it causes people to go into absolute covert hiding. People run away, even force others out of the way when they feel trapped. Of course people won’t chime in, even after having expressed how much they’ve felt to only be ignored. They’ll take their life because they were intentionally side-lined, ignored, pressured into a corner, insane amounts of betrayal, and felt they amount to nothing. I’ve felt that way many times constantly thinking about suicide as an escapism; To an Isekai world with proper traditions and social norms. I want to go to a traditional world where people follow their social roles and tradition in a healthy manner, as shown in various romance and isekai anime. People need to be more normal. We’re not allowed to be in a normal world, let alone males having their own mental health month. Male mental health of June was hijacked by genuinely mentally ill LGBTQ morons for their fake divide and conquer nonsense. We humans amount to nothing to false political narratives.
Of course you won’t tell anybody you’re actually going to suicide knowing full well you’ll get punished when caught. People would forced into brutal therapy, and other issues. Now more so than ever by politically corrupted therapists under the power of corrupted government around the world. You simply want to escape with all the energy and covertness in your power.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Gaming & Rising World Harassments:
Similar with Anime, games are also my major escapism from a toxic world. I’ve played games since my father introduced them to me with the original Nintendo console, then a Nintendo Gameboy, Sega Genesis, N64, PS2 (also a Slim), PS3, PSP, etc. Games were my happy place, especially with fond memories of having played video games with my father as a kid. We would play Super Mario Bros 3, Ninja Turtles, among others till 2-6 AM in the morning. Even the Lion King for Sega Genesis.
Even as something as recent as Rising World I happily made note of the Yura Train replica in my world, something to which was intentionally sidelined by various people in the community. Nobody gave a crap, yet it’s something I’m overly proud of myself. I enjoy walking past that train as it reminded me of my trip to Yura, being gifted a photo of a Yura train on a bridge near Tango-Yura, among other positive memories. There are people who always want to sabotage everything I do.
The worst of my gaming bullying relates to both Petroglyph Games and Rising World community. People hate me with a passion over there.
- They eventually had me unmoderated when I noted I would no longer be a moderator. They promptly agreed, relieving me of my status without question. The swiftness of the response and action took me by surprise. It was as if I was a piece of trash to even the Petroglyph Studio developers. I was left in severe depression for that day feeling absolutely betrayed by everybody; Community and the game developers themselves. Everybody had it out for me, and I was still a kid in highschool. It hit me hard.
- Petroglyph Games refused to let me come to their studio in Las Vegas under the pretext of “forums” are not a real gaming site”. Shame.
- A guy named Foxious-PG harassed me on Soul Caliber for PS3 mocking my skill issue making a big fuss about it. Even mocking my interest in Anime, even confused as to why I would make an Anime list to keep track of shows I watched. Abusive.
- Various members took offense to my forum profile noting how much American Pop music sucked. Moderators had it removed from my profile in an ‘tattle-tail” manner.
- Constantly harassed by 1 hot-headed Australian, 3 egoistical Dutch people, and even a pair of Asian guys threatening to have me hacked by 4Chan; 1 would threaten 4chan, the second would betray me noting it to the first noting how untrustworthy them and everybody was. Always threatening me.
- Politically corrupted mindset. There are a few Germans and one Mexican believing all the faux-political nonsense turning them into rabid humans. They hate normalcy, always dishonest with themselves, even constantly in a state of confusion when something normal happens or is said.
- Egoistical folks harassing Red51 and myself trying to prove they’re better than everybody in a false logical manner. Being DDoS’d one time along with Red51 at the time to sabotage Rising World’s steady progress upwards.
- Constantly in a fight with one specific overly-passionate German wanting to hijack my server for his unified server. Too egoistical, obsessed, and constantly misguided. We had tons of fights. Rarely honest, always brainwashed. A stain in the Rising World community.
- As noted in other areas, everything always had to be my fault while people themselves were allegedly innocent. Nothing ever changes in that regard when people blame their own sins on others. People blocked and ignored my comments in favour of their own egoistical nonsense. Everybody is too brainwashed by mainstream media they no longer can behave human, let alone themselves.
- Constantly having been banned by Steam Support because I do not follow mainstream narratives. Being constantly banned prompts people to be naïve, and gullible noting how I was “banned for a reason”, when in fact moderators are power hungry. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Had to leave Rising World Unofficial Discord over constant naivety and abuse from people, as noted by others. For my own mental sanity I need to be in my own safety bubble of happiness.
- When I post something people intentionally ignore what I say, even boosting other people’s content over my own. Childish.
- Getting yelled at by a morally corrupted female Mexican for posting a tweet in an archiving manner. She chewed me out while I was also feeling overly fatigued and depressed that day. She refused to let me be, like a vile nagging housewive. Unrelenting. Later exposed her sins to the world for whatever that was worth. We had a nasty argument to which I viewed everybody in that community as vile. No wonder nothing gets done, people enjoy being vile.
- Rising World community is both egoistical and politically, morally corrupted. Everybody believes whatever the media tells them. They would sexually assault people if mainstream media told them to do so. A bunch of lemmings.
I’m only in the Rising World community because the game is awesome. For the modding, and capabilities. It’s like no other game. I genuinely desire to attempt to mod in Busou Shinki, Kantai Collection, Azur Lane, among other fun stuff into the game. I however need friendly and helpful people for that.
Travel – The Escapism:
I needed a mandatory travel to either Vancouver or Japan, and I’ve done both in that order. I’ve traveled to Vancouver for 2 weeks to visit my friend, as well as needing mental healing. After having lost Sparky, my mother, my father, and then the house to be helped by a briefly abusive roommates I needed an outlet. I needed to be free, to do what “I” wanted to do. Even if it was Japanese themed in Vancouver, to the annoyance of my friend, I needed escapism. Either that, or I hang myself. Ottawa is like being a bird in a cage. It’s suffocating. I hate it, more so with fake political idiocies and a moronically egoistical Prime Minister named Justin Trudeau. What an idiot. There is far little to do in Ottawa and it’s overly frustrating.
I traveled to Vancouver from July 14th to August 2nd, 2022. Reason? Mental well being, to experience Japan in Vancouver, and to be given VIP treatment by my friend with various surprises provided to me. It was a chance to be human again. As much as my friend was furious with me about seeking anything Japanese. He, for the most part, put up with my wishlist and desires yet was visibly frustrated on numerous occasions. He was happy on other parts, except for one point in Victoria. 7/11 Hotdogs in place of Japanese food when he desired local Victoria food. Thing simply don’t go as planned. Sadly, my friend hounded me about not having a girl (in Revelstoke), scolding me for not going on Tinder to the point I was angry into the next morning. Lonely, depressed, suicidal. No girl allowed in my life. Too ugly, long hair. Shame.
I traveled to Japan from March 20th to April 22nd. Reason? 23 years desiring to travel to Japan thanks to Anime, for my mental well being, and to hopefully make friends in Japan. To explore Tokyo, Fujikawaguchiko, Kure, Hiroshima, Osaka, Kyoto, Maizuru (bonus), Sapporo, and back to Tokyo. More proud of my visual appearance this time around.
Sadly, as noted earlier, people aren’t perfect. Mental health is a struggle, especially in Japan.
- Asakusa Area/Senso-ji – Everything was fine and dandy around the Asakusa area, drinking beer, enjoying the food, etc. Everything was decent up until it rained causing me to hastily make my way to a ryokan near the Senso-ji landmark. The female staff member was kind, yet the old man chewed me out for being “rude”. Simply being angry while going “rude! Rude! Rude!”. I also wasn’t on file from ‘Booking.com’ making everything far more awkward. On top of that I later left my room (in pain) with my feet hurting. I couldn’t walk, yet walked to both Senso-ji (after the rain & thunderstorm) walking also to a nearby river for some swift images & videos. Tokyo Skytree, Sakura, among other interests. I was genuinely depressed, everything always has to be my fault. It led into me going to a nearby Burger King to fail my PASMO payment, girl behind me didn’t help me, and I didn’t receive my full order. I had a burger, jsut no fries. I was depressed from everthing that night I was a foreign ghost in Tokyo.
- Enoshima Island (First visit) – When I first visited the island I was followed by a group of school girls and vice-versa. We followed each other. I overheard them talking if they wanted to talk to me, noting my pins on my bag. We eventually parted ways the further into Enoshima Island I went, eventually reaching the park containing Sea Candle. It was like a VRChat world. Everything was illuminated perfectly with the dark parts staying dark. Genuinely like a proper Japanese VRChat created world. Was in both awe and depression not having a significant other by my side. Alone. Nobody by my side. Not allowed. Only staying foreigners are allowed love, I’m not. Not as a tourist. Pain. (What hurts even more is eventually knowing ‘Bunny Girl Senpai’ takes place in Kamakura, Enoshima, and surrounding area.)
- Osaka Castle – Nordic woman in her 40’s or 50’s talking to another when checking our temperature. We checked our temperature one after another with them talking in my direction, I spoke up, and was ignored. The question was “where are you from?”…… I stayed quiet after believing everything to be misdirected. Social awkwardness. Part 2: Being shoved at the top of the stairs to continue forward while puzzled as to where to go. I hate other tourists god damn it!
- Kyoto Tower – Another Nordic wife (with a husband) observing my phone next to a viewer viewing the city at night through the tourist telescope. She seemed curious so I gestured causing her to lean in briefly before being dragged away by her husband. Alright, screw you too then. I was simply trying to be nice.
- Sapporo – Day after I visited Mt Moiwa I became genuinely depressed. No loving partner, no friends to converse with. I simply woke up overly lonely. Just lonely burning half a day away pouting in my hotel room in Sapporo. Noted this to my Mexican Anime friend who also noted I was indeed lonely. In a world where Japanese girls only favour staying foreigners, not tourist foreigners, everything was more painful than it should have been. Shame. May have loosely considered murdering myself in Sapporo. It was also nearing the end of my trip causing me to become more frustrated. I wanted to stay longer in Japan.
The trip has been great. I miss Japan, yet saddened by many things. Especially with how my secondary goal being unachieved. I’m just simply not allowed to have a significant other. I’m not special enough, or something. I must be worthless, or something. Ah well, this is why Anime is my escapism, yet it’s not a perfect cure. I’m genuinely happy I was away in Japan for one month and a few days to get away from any “everything is your fault” aura from Canada.
Sadly, to be honest, I’ve thought of the same of taking my life in Japan. The thought of “it’s rude to die in someone else’s country” came to mind preventing me from acting it out. Crap!
It especially prevented me from negatively acting out after seeing that segment. It simply caught my attention, hence why I spotlighted it many times. While seeing that it makes me think of how we should simply be made happy. Allow me to finally be happy, and not just for one month. I want to be happy in the long term. Properly happy. Happy to welcome another day, instead of waking up with frustration of being alone in this harmful world. This news clip caught my attention knowing both sides have it rough. It’s rare hearing foreigners attempting suicide in Japan. It’s always the Japanese.
I’ve found myself to be more active in Japan, though that may be a touristic reasoning. I wish I could go back to Japan doing more positive things instead of suffocating in Ottawa doing nothing. Like a bird in a cage. I want to be set free in Japan, even if it’s my new-found cage there. I want to be more active, do more doing things, being more independent. More being myself, even if suffering with cultural differences. Taking Japanese Rail was highly liberating (as was Vancouver’s Skytrain), and even going to every ‘Conbini’ for a quick snack. I bet it’s far healthier than what us Canadians have, at the least.
- Ottawa loves torturing myself and others, now more so than ever. Too much fake political corruption causing people to suicide on the Kid & elderly side of things. Coworker killed himself lately, and I’ve felt suicidal since the early ages, or at least from Highschool times. I feel like I’m suffocating in Ottawa. Females in Ottawa enjoy being sexually violated, even by man-whores. Various coworkers openly abusing me, even behind my back spreading lies and slander, especially wanting me to end up in an accident, or worse….. Death. Ottawa wants me dead.
- Busou Shinki has made me happy, yet people stealing my thunder have ruined the hobby for everybody. Japan knows how to be classy with their hobbies while other Westerners (even if with high approval of others) have ruined the hobby for everybody in general. I thank Persocom for introducing me to Busou Shinki, yet saddened everything is my fault relating to Minecraft onwards.
- VRChat has revived my emotions after being betrayed by one main Dutch person I viewed as friend. Took many years to regain my composure, especially regaining my human emotion after that betrayal. Sadly, VRChat flipped over into a haven of the mentally ill. Thankfully, Japanese folks strongly occupy VRChat providing genuine normal and poetic experiences and resources. I’ve met cool friends, yet sadly things are shifting away from VRChat year-by-year like a continental shift of the earth’s crust.
- Suicidal thoughts have been common in my mentality thanks to social degradation and abusive bullying by Ottawa and the surrounding area. I’m not allowed to be myself, not allowed to be human, and not allowed to live as a male in Ottawa thanks to modern politics. Not allowed to admire Titanic, nor KanColle, or any of my hobbies. Everythign is allegedly my fault. All Canadians are evil, need to be Transgender, or die. “No fun allowed” all the while needing to kiss Dictator Trudeau’s feet on the daily. Canada wide issue as well.
- Anime & Games are my escapism. More so with Anime with how true, poetic, and philosophical the medium is. The characters are lovable, as are the various themes and topics within them. Anime music is soothing to the soul. Various folks trying to hijack Anime for their own benefit with varying degree of negative success. Thankfully, Anime is mainly true to its freedom of expression and creativity as it was back in the past. Still true to its complex and lovable nature. As it should be. Love it more than any censored and propaganda related western media spewing hateful lies and nonsense. Anime touches on numerous topic constantly causing fakers to spin in their seats hating every moment of a genuinely great time.
- Petroglyph Games harassed me on both ends, even caving into various trolls causing me to be depressed for 1-2 days. I felt like absolute trash hating them for the following years. I felt like an outsider seeing all their games failing from how dishonest they were with themselves. Their pride in all the wrong areas, and even making games in all the wrong areas. Gaslit and trolled by Foxious-PG, unmoderated when developers caved into the hate mob, and just constant online abuse.
- Rising World community folks are politically corrupted fools believing everything the mainstream media tells them. If the media told people to sexually assault people, they would. Always falsely egoistical in arrogant logic, even harassing both Red51 and myself. Gaslighting, bullying, and being truly dishonest with themselves. Other people are naïve and too innocent for their own good. People refusing to do what actually needs to be done, even when I warned people on numerous occassions.
- Mandatory Revenge-Travel to Vancouver and Japan for various reasons. Mainly for health, others for Japanese experiences, and to simply explore the areas for what they are. Friend got pissed off at me over various Japanese requests and desires while in Japan it was mostly a heavenly experience. Sadly, not everything is perfect causing me to be lonely desiring a loving partner to join me. Still not allowed to have one.
This is a page, not an article. I’m noting things in an archive manner, though may remove this page when the time is right, or when circumstances change. I’m not seeking pity, or attention, even if people claim otherwise. I’m simply fed up with an abusive society failing to do normal human day things, something Anime characters know more about than your real world individual. I refuse to seek therapy because I know what my issues are, and it will simply be made worse. I would much rather save my money for my own place, or even Japan than to waste it on ill-qualified medical individual under the helm of a Dictator. Canada is whining about not having many qualified medical folks, berating its fellow citizens (Truckers, retail workers, medical staff, etc) when Trudeau banished them all to other nations for calling him out over the vaccines being a poison and not a cure. For over-reaching, etc.
When it comes to popularity, or social boosting, other people always get boosted higher than I do. When I post something that makes me happy people tend to hijack, or even overshadow things I tend to do with their own boasting. It’s like a shouting match, yet with images, threads, videos, or whatever. Even if it’s to make me feel miserable.
I want to be happy, yet I’m not allowed. Not in Canada. I try to be, yet not allowed. Not even allowed a loyal partner. Shame.
(Japan should have been my place of stay long-long ago, especially for my own happiness and well being. It was my place of happiness for a month, and it most likely would have been that place for years past and present of my visit. I should have been in Japan long ago. Many things prevented me from going (even my own depression), it however is something I still desire to revisit for my mental well being, or die trying to return.)