(Arcticu) Anime, Deja Vu’s and Repetitions

– Cyberpunk 2077 – “Gotta get outta here, understand?”

No real purpose to this blog post, except to let loose a few nagging thoughts singled into this blog posting. I had a few deja vu and repetition moments making me wonder and question things about life, about things in general, and just to let loose in an actual rambling manner than what people have noted me of in my other blog posting. This may go over people’s heads, or people won’t care. Either way, I’ll let loose these thoughts as quickly and the best I can. Maybe they’ll make sense, maybe not.

Cyberpunk, Yofukashi no Uta, Re-Dreams, & Headpatting Dream.

Cyberpunk 2077 & Edgerunners:

– Let you down – Dawid Podsiadlo

We’ll start off with Cyberpunk itself saying how awesome both the game and anime is. I jumped onto the the Edgerunners anime after seeing a ton of spoilers about it; About Lucy on the moon with David in those thumbnail YouTube videos. Frustrated, yet curious, I jumped onto Netflix to view to finding it to be surprisingly awesome, expecting the worst. It surprised me, it genuinely has. Lucy turned out to be an awesome character growing to admire David, same with the crew he was with, seeing various character growths in all of them. As you got to know them more and more it became harder and harder seeing them go off on their own path.

“Live fast, die young” – Night City

What hit me the most was David’s struggle while Lucy was nude in bed trying to figure the situation out. The whole “love is stronger than blood”, or how Lucy took matters into her own hands in a “hell has no furry as a woman scorned” type deal. I felt bad for both of them, for all the characters, especially Lucy. There also was no time to feel the brutal shock for Rebecca, also because of how Twitter and Youtube spoiled it for everybody. What I also find funny is how Trigger demanded Rebecca to be in the anime as a Loli type character when CD Project Red refused. Trigger won, the fans were happy and we all ended up liking the anime all that much more. Japanese authors know best, more so when western companies love being politically hypocritical and braindead. Same case for how useless Roosterteeth is having SHAFT take RWBY in a more elegant and dignified route, no political bullcrappery.

The anime of Cyberpunk emotionally broke me. The ending broke me. The PV for ‘Let You Down’ broke me. Cyberpunk world is a sad realm.

– Video – Let you down (Cyberpunk).

On top of it, the ‘Let You Down’ video is a prequel hitting just as hard as the Edgerunners anime. Emotionally brutal. It’s no wonder it’s one of the best anime out there, also with people on Youtube milking the content to hell and back ruining the actual worth and value of the anime.

I also picked up the Cyberpunk 2077 game shortly after (on sale, half off) finding the game to have its sad moments. I’ve always wanted to play the Cyberpunk game, a VRChat friend played it many times over. The Edgerunners Anime pushed me into finally purchasing the game. I installed it first on the Steam Deck, later on my PC. It’s grittier, if a bit more stiff than the anime. It still has its sad moments, it’s glorious moments, and entertaining moments.

I’ve even noticed a few people pretending to be “edgy” pretending as if this anime hasn’t effected them in any way. Maybe for some it hasn’t, showing how they forgot to be invested in the show, or pretending to be tough-guys, etc. There are a lot of people who hate Anime while also pretending to be someone they’re not, lemming/tribal reasons, or pretending to be tough. People tend to be weird. Anime is the last medium of creative freedom while everything in North America rots to political censorship and fake political nonsense.

– An alleyway in Cyberpunk 2077 where Lucy killed an Informant to protect David before being shortly kidnapped thereafter.
– Lucy’s Apartment (and scene from anime). Not the best, though shall be taking more images later.
– Instead of a dream, you’re living a nightmare. You’re afraid of being erased, as if you’ve never existed.

This picture above alone sums everything up. How V, David, Lucy, and others tried to find their place in life while fearing being forgotten in their world just as much as any other human. I personally wanted to leave a mark relating to having traveled to Europe, to Cuba, visited HMCS Haida, Vancouver; Having shared my Busou Shinki images; Having done positive things. My Twitch streams, proper Youtube videos. People bullied me to the point I’ve considered suiciding, countless times. It’s thanks to Anime, my past desire of wanting to go to Europe in 2003, and my current desire of revisiting Vancouver and to finally visit Japan I’m here.

My hatred for Ottawa still burns within me. I love the scenery, I hate the lazy, naive, and abusive behaviour of Ottawa. I want Ottawa (those who hate ‘Freedom Convoy’ and in general) to learn from Japan on how to actually be a civil human, even retroactively from traditional minded Europeans who view Trudeau as scum and villainy who have seen ACTUAL Communism, not the fake communism in Canada. I’m wishing too much, even traditional minded Europeans are flawed, and Japanese are emotionless in family settings (or so noted by Japanese sources). Nothing is perfect, though I can still state I wish Ottawa to regain some of its common sense it had lost over the years pretending to be something it is not. They ironically began hating the thing Canada stands for, ‘Freedom’. They can pretend Convoy Truckers are “nutcases”, that in itself shows how out of touch with reality they are through-and-through. Ottawa is hopeless. Ottawa is infantile, hence why it refuses to be spotlighted in various mediums.

I’ve been betrayed time and again, it’s about time I get my compensation for all those insults. I won’t be compensated for people’s vile behaviours, I can at the very least point them out time and again. It however would be nice to rebalance karma. We’re all expecting to receive acceptance, acknowledgement, and even basic human interaction, something which is becoming harder and harder in both our reality and even in Cyberpunk. People like and cheat constantly (especially in Cyberpunk) that it’s becoming harder to see humans for what they are. Similar to how David, V, Lucy, Rebecca, and others are trying to find their place in life, so are we. V’s biggest secret being noted in the above image, and now renoted here

Yofukashi no Uta (Call of the Night):

– One of the Vampires in this overly darkly bright world.

My words shall fail me on this front, I however admire ‘Yofukashi no Uta’ for its street funkiness type art. The overly dark scenery brightened up in a way in a surreal and artistic manner you would only see in either a world in VRChat or a dream. Trying to find your place in a world while being lost; Trying to find your purpose in life. I jumped in for the whole fun and calmness of the show; Something to relax and ease my stress to simply enjoy what it had to offer. What further took me in was the street hip-hoppy instrumental tunes, the exaggerated visuals (what brought me into anime in the first place in the early 2000’s), and the fun nature of the characters. It then gradually explored various human conditions (as any anime would) while then showing character growth, questioning their decision, and just being an overly fun show with funky music. I love it, and it’s something censored western media now ironically refuse to discuss appropriately. Just your standard casual and free behaving Anime.

I admired Kou while also relating to his night owl nature having done the same on my front. I even found myself constantly in trouble from my mother’s side for being a constant night owl. Having supernatural fears, yet still found myself finding more fun in the night than I had in the day. Time-zones, work stress, and just craziness. Kou, such as myself, both trying to find their place in the world with Kou trying to be a vampire, me simply trying to be human. Trying to find my place as a human. I also admired the surprisingly hidden beauty of Nazuna. Devious, lazy, yet trying to be someone she’s not just to impress Kou which was respectable. Great character styled, nice rewarding charms the more you watched. It was a gorgeous show.

– Overly exaggerated brightness, something to express the thrill of the night.

I’ve always found anime, such as Yofukashi’s darkly bright artstyle to be attractive. It’s similar to what hooked me into Anime from the early 2000’s thanks to Gundam Wing’s contrast bringing the background into the foreground. Both the background and the foreground complimenting one another in ways not done in traditional American media. Blizzard’s concept art may have been the only time it could plausibly have competed with Anime.

There is a reason Anime is far superior to anything North American. Art style alone, story when pushing further, and the soul of the author. Many Americans claim authors can’t write stories, I beg to differ. Many Americans have a stick up their ass making them far more serious than needed be, hence the lack of competition and constant stiffness from the North American side. Not lewd stiffness, moral stiffness constantly claiming “bad writing” when they themselves don’t know what “fun” contains. It honestly shows how far American media has fallen with how Americans tend to copy Anime with lower end quality animations and art style. “Yeah, but Japan copied Disney in the 19XX’s”, which is Moot point. Inspiration! Inspiring from one another while Americans can’t pour their heart and soul into their cartoons as they had in the 1980’s and 1990’s with Spiderman, Spawn, and all those good shows. It’s not what it used to be. Everything American (fake anime wise) feels like an annoying imitation. Americans forgot how to be themselves, with special thanks to faux-politics and censorship. The “no fun allowed” mentality.

North Americans don’t know how to have “fun” in the way Japanese folks know how to, let alone fail in putting their soul into their creations. The musical pressure, the character’s attractiveness (both male and female; not trans garbage), and just exploring avenues North Americans censor or fear adding. Anime is attractive for how honest it is, how beautiful and how expressive it is…. It’s like a fresh powdered snow on a mountain. It’s constantly a breath of fresh air.

– Nazuna
– The “white supremacy ‘OK’ hand gesture”. BANNED!

I love anime, it does things Western media refuses to do now-a-days. It even contains things which offend the easily offendable, especially in North America. Screw the weaklings of Canada, USA, & Europe, Anime is fun and enjoyable in more ways than your average viewer can comprehend. The amount of times I tried suggesting Anime to European folks finding certain ones politically and morally corrupted, even fearful of Anime.

One even refused to watch ‘Mushoku Tensei’ finding it “too cringe”. ‘Mushoku Tensei’ actually had a reason for doing things in how society bullies people. Bullying a fat man causing him to lock himself in a room, afraid of going outside. It showed his struggle regaining hope in humanity (at least in an alternate dimension) showing the various traumas and scars. He was as fearful of the outdoors as he was in his main reality. He eventually, with the help of normal girls, witnessed the beauty of the world, overcoming his fear of his abusive trauma. The main character took that abuse turning it into his strength in his reincarnation into a new life, new friends, new experiences. That same person I shared this anime with hates it for how reality is called out, how vile people tend to be, even refusing to acknowledge what others and myself have even gone through with abuse. Always with the “what”, unable to respond appropriately. They would rather spew fake political garbage while drinking from a dirty toilet bowl, get violated through taxes, and vote for abusive politicians. The people I constantly suggested Anime to (especially that “one” person) constantly followed up my responses with “what”, and constant abuse. The people I deal with are morally corrupted.

I posted one tweet (to bookmark) finding a very abusive wall of text aimed my way for no reason at all, only to berate me. I found them to be a pile of trash and morally corrupted, especially politically. We went our own way. They view the world as hostile pushing things in a politically abusive manner, I view the world as corrupted and hostile needing to regain its lost dignity. They view Anime as a sin (politically incorrect) while I view it as the last salvation. Anime is my freedom and my life. It is what has kept me sane in my own way, and has opened up many avenues of hobbies, even if I may struggle being “professional” with it. The constant depression and venting phases I go through.

This is why I admired Yofukashi in how we try to find our flow in life. Finding the people and things that actually compliment us. Purge the toxic idiocy focusing on the beauty. I’m not the best of that, I haven’t exactly found the right people who are honest with themselves. Only betrayal and being ghosted. Friendship lasts for two years then people move on.

– Part 1 of 3
– Part 2 of 3
– Part 3 of 3

I’m sure there are plenty like you around, who try to satisfy their desire for recognition in skewed ways. Humans are pretty much all sick in their own ways, you know?

Another reason why this Anime attracted me. Not only does it seek to be “chill”, it also pokes at human psychology, why we seek what we seek, and why people are attracted to certain things and individuals. I’m guilty of desiring more followers for the illusion of interacting with folks online, something which was purposely misunderstood as me seeking something more vile. I simply desired something which was purposely denied from me, a proper conversation, something people always blamed me for everything under the sun. I was always at fault for something, especially in the ‘Busou Shinki World’ forums. Certain Canadians also had issues with me. I simply desired to communicate with like-minded people, maybe out of naivety, to constantly find people passing me over to seek out some higher rated content creator to “get in their pants”, or whatever. People sucking up seeking reverse attention from various content creators. It frustrated me, as it partially does so now. Less so, though still occasionally annoys me. It’s funky and weird.

I’m trying my best to simply be me, to be human, and to just do what I enjoy, even if I’m obviously socially awkward. Thank you, Ottawa! Thanks for abusing me. The same sarcastic thanks even going to certain individuals having yelled and shouted at me setting me off as well in online hobbies, and those who betrayed me.

From my point of view it always appeared I would have to work twice or three times as hard to get where others would appear to be in a shorter distance. Granted, it’s been noted to be an illusion for not seeing other people’s hidden paths and effort. That’s fair. On a side note everything was allegedly always my fault, blamed for everything, and anything which just sets me in a horrible mood. Always. Not only in school for being the quiet one, or workplace abuse, it was also done socially with people feeling insecure having to take their issues out on me. Granted, I have vented, whine, and moaned, I however felt it was for proper reasons, reasons I can no longer recall. Simply too much to note and not worth the time to elaborate on them on them anymore. Even not worth it for this blog posting to waste time fishing up lost battles and blame games. We have to keep moving forward constantly paving new paths for others and ourselves.

– Do what you love, love what you do and you’ll meet cool people.

I’ve indeed met cool people. They’ve helped me, I helped them. We’ve conversed, shared our hobbies, and people move on. The usual period people tend to stick around appears to be 2-5 years, people move onto different things. Various Japanese folks unfollowed me on Twitter, others ghosted me. Others have helped me with Busou Shinki, Dollfie Dream, photography, and other things. It’s been various ups and downs. I’m thankful for when people genuinely helped me out, though saddened when people viewed me in flawed and negative ways. I’m only human trying my best to be a human, always being pushed down and held back. I’m thankful for the various conversations, sharing moments of Anime and games, and just the brief moment of honesty.

– Workplace abuse.

I’ve got many tales to tell about workplace abuse. It did not stop at school, it continued into work with people lacking selfworth taking it out on me and others. Just as shown in the Yofukashi anime, a female character was being continuously harassed and abused by their boss, spammed by text messages at 3 am in the morning. What do we do? We’re taught to “put up with it”, hence the spikes in suicides in Japan, and the world. You can’t just leave your workplace, you’ll become homeless. Your anger and stress builds up to the point of domestic abuse, anger in society, The Freedom Convoy in Canada, go homeless, and just plain suicide.

I’ve had this similar issue with a fulltime coworker harassing me, calling me and texting me bluntly pushing me to work. Calling and calling, texting and texting while I was watching a friend’s stream on Twitch. It was my day off, I was entitled to a day off, especially in a retail setting. I eventually went in, obviously not happy. Another day I was also forced to go into work fully sick because “big bosses” were visiting the store for an expection, even though I warned him I couldn’t make it in the next day. I was forced, sniffling and miserable. Furious. The amount of times I could have genuinely complained about him…. He wasn’t the best coworker, nor a supervisor. He even caused a group of people to quit on the spot causing him to cry. Your loss, don’t be abusive. His eventual full time colleague was even worse throwing bakery boxes at me, whining about others taking breaks and lunches, and just being a trashy moron. He would constantly seek out female employees to flirt with, even hopefully trying to seduce to hopefully talk about sexual “snail trails” left on the floor. He desired to be a “big boss” to sit in the office to do nothing. After a scuffle and some rigged shouting incident he was left the workplace forcing another coworker to work in a different department. The final mentally corrupted fulltimer was left (of the three). He tried being high and mighty, even sending me to the office one time. He tried throwing me under the bus numerous times, he knew I hated him for that. I vented loudly saying how much I wanted to quit and just hated the guy’s guts. They enjoyed mocking me, I enjoy seeing them being viewed as trash. Screw them.

– “A proper adult has to put up with stuff, even if it’s so bad you cry!”

Not to get all political, this is what Trudeau wants Canada to be as well, a suffering nation. Not only Japan, Trudeau wants to force Canadian citizens to be mindless working drones devoid of humanity, dignity, and soul. Don’t believe me? You can see it in society shunning the ‘Freedom Convoy’, how people can’t afford a living/housing/gas, and in his ‘Emergency Act’ speech to simply be another “Cog in the machine”. Living is far more painful than it ever has, and it’s not COVID-19’s fault. It’s a happening, it’s not the be-all answer and reasoning to everything.

“Just work and shut up! You’ll own nothing and you’ll be happy about it!”

(Also the theme of Cyberpunk, though on a more corporate and consumerism manner. Buy our stuff then die. You mean nothing to us!)

– Why is being in the middle of a quiet street at night so much fun?

Because it’s more natural. Before cities and settlements were a thing us and other living things simply “did our thing” without restraint, an within reason to our threats around us. We climbed trees, swam through rivers, and simply enjoyed ourselves. Now? Can’t even fish on the coastline without being tattle tailed on, nor climb trees without being viewed as a lunatic. Again, a good example of societal corruption is how people were taught how to villainize the ‘Freedom Convoy’, to purposely go against their own self worth and value. Even shunning retail workers, harassing them, refusing to pay them equal to their emotional trauma. The amount of abuse truckers and retail workers face still not equally rewarded. On a similar note people even refused to play sports or do active things in life in Ottawa finding them to be more miserable in this city. They forced me to seek a more reclusive life-style. Every time I tried to be expressive I was always snubbed. The more active folks doing sports, figure photography (Anime stuff), cosplay, motorbikes, and other sports are more cheerful and rewarded in life.

People purposely place cages around themselves and others preventing others from being as lively.

Once people properly recalibrate back to a more natural sense they see the flaws in artificial barriers in society. They see the madness in politics, the retail (stores) harassment, the corporation corruption, and how other people are simply pawns to an artificially constructed world. They’ll become more active in sports, in various hobbies. It’s always more fun to go cycling, doing sports, etc. I had fun playing sports, especially with motivated European friends. I enjoyed cycling (still do), even trying to play sports in a solo manner. Canadians were always the more lazier bunch refusing to do fun things the way Europeans had done. When I tried to entertain myself outdoors I would always get told off by older people to “stop doing that”. By the time people wanted to do things I hid in my depression bubble causing people to yell at me, push me away, etc. The irony. Later, it led to further bullying relating to street hockey with well known school bullies, lacking friends to cycle with, and all this other unnecessary nonsense. People in Ottawa always being needlessly judgmental treating myself and certain other folks like witches needing to be burnt.

It’s been documented older people enjoyed telling younger folks to “stop having fun” in outdoor settings. I was a part of that, and why kids stopped having fun outdoors causing them to be more indoors folks. It easily allowed people finding every excuse to even outcast me. A one-two KO forcing me to hide in video games, forcing my to cycle solo, seek out solo hobbies such as figure photography, and eventually to pick up flying a drone (two of them). Even being questioned about it thanks to my 2020 caused life situation. I’m always the social outcast. I ask people (even now) if they want to do anything, everybody is tardy and excuse-making finding every excuse not to do anything. The only reason I made excuses I was burnt out from all the abuse, though when I try everybody refuses to do anything. Even ‘Exploring with Josh’ (An explorative Youtuber) made note of this on his front as well.

Granted, I’m still sidelined when it comes to social gatherings, that’s a flaw in society in Ottawa and around the world. People being busy with work, school, etc. Even so, you can STILL find SOME time. My friend in Vancouver noting people in Vancouver ghost each other as much as people in Ottawa have ghosted me, it’s saddening. I’ve been briefly in other groups to simply be shunned for “not being like them”. I’ve been ghosted in VRChat in two groups, more so because I don’t believe in fake politics and the trashy Transgender garbage. I’ve had my own goals and agendas, something other folks don’t really have. They were Liberals, me a Conservative. They had their goals, I had my own, and I’m always negatively viewed by people. It is what it is, and I guess how it always shall be. I’ll always be shunned by people regardless if I speak up or not. People judge constantly. I’m always on the hunt for genuinely honest people who aren’t corrupted by politics, know how to tune themselves to nature, and just be honest about their hobbies. Everything has to be a stupid attention seeking game, even when it comes to Busou Shinki stuff on Twitter. I admire the Japanese more in these hobbies than I do with my fellow westerners. All the scars and betrayals I had to face.

Similar to Kou in Yofukashi, we’re both still trying to find our way in a society that enjoys ghosting not only their friend groups, others as well. People forgot how to be human, hence the social degradation and the pretend push to be “transgender” and all this other nonsense. People falsely claiming to be happy as Transgender when you can clearly see their pain on Twitter. They eventually seek to return as their original gender or go full force into pushing Transgender propaganda by censoring Anime, various video games, and just being full on moronic on Twitter having lost their humanity and dignity in the process. Their seeking for attention and false recognition. Always need to keep things basic to be happy, not for Twitter clout as done by me and the Trans people. People are lonely trying to find their worth and self-value in mob-mentality. Me? In Anime and my hobbies. Without Anime I’d probably be dead by now. To those who created Gundam Wing, Fate /Stay night, and other anime in 2006 have my blessing for keeping me alive. Even more modern anime such as ‘Trinity Seven’, Gundam franchise, Mushoku Tensei, Wagaya no Oinari-Sama, among many MANY others.

– Nazuna!

Lastly, the ending to Yofukashi no Uta scared me. It can easily be hijacked thanks to a male vampire character dressing up as a female, something which could be annoyingly hijacked by corrupted western activists. It’s not trans, it’s just another morally corrupted character gone rogue with an obvious case of “offspring gone wrong”. It genuinely startled me. I love it in its original Japanese perspective showing various character’s stances and where Kou stands, in a western stance it takes a whole different meaning, with special thanks to morally corrupted western activists. It was a great anime, a decent ending. I’ve enjoyed it for the time it was around. My own frustrations may have ruined the show’s genuine value, it however reflected what was hidden in my heart. My own experiences. It was genuinely relatable with a nice ‘ED’, and soundtrack.

I’m thankful for this anime.

Depression and Suicidal Simulations:

As noted in the Cyberpunk 2077/Anime section, I had a rough time from school and into a workplace. Just constantly being harassed, degraded, devalued, ignored, and every other negative aspect. People even failed to see eye-to-eye, constantly gaslighting and poorly judging the things I was going through. Even when being quiet people still felt the need to disrespect me, treating me like shit. I eventually began biting back as much as possible, even in school. Workplace really set me off forcing me to nudge back there as well.

Being painfully left in a depressive bubble stewing in negativity. Even purposely by various people……. Shame.

– Video – Japanese suicide Social Experiment. Both an older guy and a lady help out a guy pondering about jumping (for an experiment). Recently adding this video in being relevant to mine and other people’s thoughts. There are always other avenues to vent your various frustration, to spread your wings, and to hopefully find someone to vent to. Having someone to speak to helps a great deal, something various people also fail to allow causing these situations to happen wondering why such situations even occured. TALK TO ONE ANOTHER! Be vocal, converse.

>Edit – November 13th, 2022:
I injected that above video on November 13th, 2022 about a Japanese suicide social experiment for how relevant it is to both myself and various other people struggling through life. I’ve constantly thought of, simulated, and toyed with the idea of suicide thanks to how abusive Ottawa has been to myself, to others, and even to the Freedom Trucker Convoy, and anything “normal” in life. Ottawa rejects tradition, humanity, dignity, and freedom, hence why it appears like a drug addict’s domain. I do have coworkers who care about me, people who would “catch me”, talk to me, etc. Sadly, private talks are still out of range. The deeper, harsher, darker zones. I’m still failing to find people who I can really talk to in deeper contexts. What’s still keeping me alive is my interest in Japan (anime & culture), my love for Canada’s scenery, and to simply experience as much as I can for the whole novelty of it. I have many things to still experience. I’m not treating suicide as a joke as other people would for cloute. This is genuine. I however have been pushed to the point of severe depression thanks to abusive Ottawa had been to me from school, into workplace, and even on social media. I’ve lost touch with few girls thanks to my depression caused by Ottawa. Fuck Ottawa, fuck British Columbia’s political morons. When it comes to traditional Europe my interest is positive; My admiration for Japan, Anime, and their hobbies is why I’m still around. Anime has genuinely kept me alive seeing a more sane and humane way to live. I was also able to even intellectually connect with various authors through Anime, even think things through in a more ‘philosophical’ manner. Actual intelligence and interest in hobbies people are interested in, something I tried to loosely even emulate. Japan is the last hope and salvation of the world, or appears to be. Anime is freedom, love, and enjoyment of soul in manga/Anime. I also hate Ottawa not being able to enjoy what others appear to naturally enjoy, or things I myself desire. Not jealousy, just frustrations at artificially placed roadblocks. I was able to gain a better grasp in Europe and Vancouver, sadly not in Ottawa.

Even I feel like there are various people in Japan who would throw me under the bus. On the flip-side, I’m genuinely thankful for the Japanese folks in the Busou Shinki community for welcoming me in, helping me, and making sure I feel apart of the community. Granted, I do feel some friction now, even fearful I’ve been sidelined once again. I’m only human, yet I’m scared. As helpful as the Japanese folks are, I also feel out of place, inferior, and just sidelined for various reasons. An ex-Dutch friend knew I had suicidal thoughts telling me to not to do it at first, encouraging it after once we parted ways in 2017 for stupid reasons on his part. I eventually joined up into VRChat with this various scar and depression in the later half of 2017.

Renge & Andorra Witches
– Ken Work’s Strike Witch’s doujinshi of France and the original Manga. Thank you for this gesture!
– Doujinshi and a kind Japanese gesture respecting my admiration for Shinki Renge, the same Shinki suggested and gifted to me by a friend named ‘Persocom’. Unsure if we’re still friends or not.
– I’m genuinely thankful and grateful to my Japanese Otakus in Japan for this kind gesture. Genuinely means a lot!

Busou Shinki (pre-2017) has probably been the only thing keeping me sane up until then. That, and a few videos games. A few anime. Everything else I was ripe for abuse and easy trolling. It was even openly noted I would be purposely riled up by the Dutch person (one and the many) for how easy it was to gain a reaction out of me. Most likely why we went our own ways, I probably began growing the beginnings of a backbone at some point. Maybe. Unable to tell now in 2022.

I’ve constantly played with suicide when at my lowest mindset. Stewing, simulating various situations. Being bitten by specific creatures, being run over by vehicles, gunned down by morons, or stabbed. Just various situations, simulated. Even jumping off a bridge, something that may be the last thing I would do. Those moments you wish you could gain a helping hand with nobody willing to help you out. The amount of times I called out in distress to only be ignored. The amount of times I could have vanished. Nobody cared. Maybe after the fact, never then. The amount of times I was gaslighted on social media, even taken advantage of to be harassed further in school, work, and online.

Ottawa hasn’t been the best, nor brightest, when it came to being normal individuals, let alone treating me as a human. It’s a laughing stock of the world for a reason, and not because I say it is. Ottawa’s various locals are low income, low morale, druggy, and full of political corruption to the point bullying is encourage, even on a political scale. People are easy to rile up, as noted with Covid and the toilet paper hoarding. Sure, it’s fine for scenery and a hub for chain stores, great food, etc. People tend to not be the brightest, even biting the hand that feeds them when it especially relates to truckers (Canada Freedom Convoy), Popeyes, or anything they whine and complain about. Whatever new comes in people hate it with a passion. Everything is “-phobic”, or “bad quality”, or whatever. It’s no wonder Ottawa is the “city that fun forgot”, why there are no gaming companies (Nintendo, Sony,, etc) here. What do we have instead? People always doing retarded things, even by becoming fake-Trans. It’s a city that ironically can’t rub their braincells together to become a proper capital city the way other cities around the world has, let alone how Vancouver has a more successful transportation system with the Skytrain. Buy low expecting high performance and quality.

– I’m happy to see there are sane people still left in this beautiful country of ours of Canada. Yes, Fuck Trudeau for degrading normal human beings while encouraging destruction of property, purposely inflating the economy, not assisting in job and housing assistance. Trudeau cares about his socks and only his socks. Only the foolish brainwashed Canadians admire him, the ones who are encouraged to bully other people for simply being humans.

I may not be mentally sound at times thanks to various stresses in life. Life is life, stress is stress, and there are simply things you can’t avoid. Other people purposely throw me under the bus while other times other people simply make mistakes. I’m constantly venting, rambling, pointing things out, even tweeting out my frustrations, something I found even the Japanese hate me doing. Japanese folks hate me venting out. I’m not allowed to be vocal, nor venting out my frustration. I have to allegedly keep things bottled up, even to the point it progresses into depression, a symptom which leads to suicide, something Japan is known for being the #1 suicide spot in the world. THIS is why, when you purposely bottle things up letting people die willfully. Japan allows that, even encouraged it. I had to deal with Canadian naivety and ignorance in a more hostile manner. We all have our ups and downs; I have my constant fears, even being betrayed by the Japanese I admire. It has happened. I’m already friends with certain Canadians so I need Japanese friends, hence why I’m worried as much as I am for being side-lined by the Japanese. I’m genuinely thankful even a series made by Konami – Busou Shinki – kept me happy enough to have people admire my images. People always saying how much they’ve enjoyed my images. People even went out of their way to buy Renge, among other Shinki because of me, something I found awesome. Some people sadly noted this AFTER one of my depression epsidoes to which we sadly parted ways without noting. Surprised, yet thankful and shocked to even hear those remarks. Thanks!

Why are you angry? Why is this ‘gaijin’ angry as he is?” – Ken_Works wondering why I broke in 2017.

Maybe because I’m either stressed, have been betrayed, or treated as if I don’t exist. I want to be treated as your normal human being, not as some circus animal. I saw the tweet by Ken_Works wondering why I blew up. Why do people in Japan suicide? Yes, for that very reason. For being stressed out, burnt out, betrayed, and other social issues. People don’t’ bother to help one another.

Mental health issues are so bad in Japan that even Hololive members have been noted dragging one another to be checked up upon. One female member (I forgot who) dragged another to get her sanity checked after stewing too long in negativity, worried to death about her well being. It’s a serious problem, even to the point Aloe Mano, Coco, among many others were seriously harassed for moronic reasons by many abusers online.


Relating back to the noted suicide social experiment video, it’s honestly shocking how “direct” both the older male and female sound towards the guy acting out the suicide. Reminds me of my father and mother yelling at me all seriously when doing something questionable, or suicide. Talking to me seriously talking me out of it while venting my frustrations about how much I hate people, how abusive they are, and how I just want to be in my own bubble. That context was later lost in the years, however scary when my parents were sane in the more “youthful” years. Prime parent age. I was too far down in the depression zone hating every ounce of Ottawa with how abusive people are. Hearing the poor lady having experienced her own share of suicide, it honestly is no wonder she sounded as alarmed as she had. If only people were this kind all around. I mean, I’m sure people are, it however would have helped sooner than later when I had to deal with politically corrupted morons earlier in my years. Even in the workplace, at school… Always socially rejected, even when quiet.

I won’t see a therapist because I know where my problems are. I know how to heal them, how to deal with them. I however need to find the proper (Actual human beings) individuals who know how to be human over the insane amount of fake people in the world. Other people know how to scam others, how to corrupt, take advantage. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. It’s frustrating. I’m thankful for the people I met, who put up with me, who acknowledge my existence honestly. It’s however a painful battle becoming worse with age. People are taught to be stupider and stupider as we progress that it becomes harder to find traditional minded individuals still true to their natural selves. People have genuinely lost their way in life, it sucks. Thankfully, we still have our hobbies; I have my anime, VR, DJI drone (if not blacklisted in Canada as it had been in USA), among other creative outlets. Ottawa just sucks and has been stupid towards me. I’ve tried making the most of it, I’m however just that fed up with Ottawa’s idiocy.

Bell Canada always harps on about ‘Mental Health’, they don’t care. They never cared about me, only the money. I’ve suffered through a lot yet nobody in the media or mainstream cares. Bell’s Let’s Talk nonsense is a joke. Maybe it is helping, and if it is, great. Congrats! It hasn’t for me. I’ve been betrayed by the school system, the people, and everything ‘people’ related. Granted, I’ve made various friends amongst coworkers, neighbors, etc. It’s still all screwy. People simply forgot how to be humans.

I’m always on the defensive. On guard, even fully aware I’m socially awkward. Thank you, Ottawa! 🙂

– From Busou Shinki, I’ve even accepted Frame Arms Girls. Sadly haven’t bought any in a long while. I however have recently purchased & built both Tallgeese and Epyon, both of which I have yet to share properly.
– Trying to recover from my betrayal and loss of a Dutch friend in 2017 and other hobby folks treating me like trash. Tried my hand at figure photography again in 2018, I still suffered greatly. Took a few encouraging words from the Japanese hobbyists to get me back into figure photography.

I absolutely hate Ottawa. I may love the scenery and food, everything else is artificially held back by the local residence’s mentality, especially when compared to Vancouver and other various nations around the world. Anime has kept me alive, has kept me tuned into normalcy while constantly struggling to be human in this crazy world. More so with how corrupt both the locals and politicians are dragging Canada under the waves with corrupted political nonsense. They even encourage the same style of bullying I’ve had to endure since the early ages of my life. I need to move. I need a new location, people who actually care about life, and people who aren’t a bunch of harassers in life. Better late than ever, I guess.

– Constantly meeting lively new “buddies” in VRChat. Nothing long term, just acknowledgement I live. I thank this individual for the happy memories.
– Some of my VRChat friends in VRChat during a Christmas gathering in 2021. When it lasted we had the most fun roaming around worlds, having fun. It’s like a dream, now more so than ever.
– The “first meeting” with Hunt and Hawk. Even Kobi.

Chronologically speaking my depression started in Ottawa’s poor school systems. It then led into workplace harassment in the retail sector (2017) which led to various hobby folks to sideline me in my time of need. An ex-Dutch folk threw me under the bus, everything was my fault, and I just wanted to die. I was genuinely depressed to the point people saw me sulking at work. Why? A friend I trusted treated me like a terrorist, no longer friends. From early 2017 into late 2017 it took me until Nagzz21 to be introduced into a game called VRChat. I even failed to properly take figure photography for how depressed I was. This is one of those cases Anime brings me up, people bring me down. Anime hasn’t failed me, people have. Nagzz21 introduced me into VRChat (indirectly) thanks to his doll stealing clip of Matsix. Even though I was eventually unfollowed by Nagzz21 on Twitter he genuinely helped me find new friends in VRChat who would allow me to be human again. We managed to venture into worlds, make tons of memories, and just…. Everything felt like a positive dream. I became expressive again. I became human again thanks to Nagzz21 and the various friends I met on there. From being betrayed by Dutch people to meeting short-term and long-term friends, I was happy.

– Myself and Blue in VRChat.
– Nagzz21’s picture event. Hanging around on a tree back in 2019.
– Was finally able to hang out with Nagzz, even able to get a picture with him. The worst amount of lag ruined any moments with him. I felt it was intentionally done to kick me off the hangout.

As with Power Rangers, Anime, Gundam Wing, Busou Shinki, and now VRChat, I had my fun times. Again, VRChat allowed me to be human again allowing me to express myself. From being neutral, then very depressed from the betrayal, and then happy again as a human a big thanks goes to to VRChat mainly. Nagzz21 introduced me indirectly to VRChat, allowing me to even be human again in my workplace. What carried over from VRChat carried over into work and vice-versa. I was able to joke, have fun, and be expressive again. Yes, Busou Shinki has helped (as shown in the numerous images I’ve taken), so has VRChat. Sadly, VRChat has been hijacked by gender politics and politics itself preventing others from really getting together to have fun. Everything appears to be more about politics from 2019 onwards that any fun from 2017 to 2019 became lost. Everything became a dream. My next ‘main game’ (outlet) then being Azur Lane and back to Busou Shinki with a nice kind nudge from Japanese hobbyists. Why not Canadian? Bullied by them. Nobody in America cared, and same with EUropeans. Everything is a popularity context in North America and Europe that I simply admire Japanese VRChat content creators and Busou Shinki types for simply sharing what they admire. They’re true and honest with themselves that I prefer them over anybody in the ‘western’ side of things. Bias, yes.

Keep in mind of how many betrayals I had to go through. Constant. Day after day, being taken advantage of, bullied, gaslighted, and all this nonsense. It’s honestly no wonder people desire to ‘Isekai’ (die to be reborn in another world) when it comes to Anime Isekai genres. Westerners just don’t get it, I do. Other troubles souls in North America do, the other folks just don’t get it.

Basically to sum things up in this section: Anime and travel kept me alive; Ottawa is a trashy city happily abusing one another; I had the best experiences when kept in a more traditional manner for Busou Shinki & VRChat; I prefer Japanese hobbyists, even if they tend to shun me or sideline me; I’m constantly struggling to regain my posture being thankful for what people have had done for me relating to gestures and gifts. People may assume I’m something negative, I’ve however been surrounded by a lot of negativity. I’m always trying to seek out more positive situations, even if I may be caught up in a safety bubble to regain my sanity.

The Re-Dreams & Deja Vu Moments:

– Sitting in this Flair flight had me thinking “I’ve done this before”

I’ve had numerous moments of deja vu, even re-dreams. Many relating to my past homes, past workplaces, at school, and even when I ventured to Vancouver. Lots of them. When I was back in school I’ve always wondered if I’m reliving a life, reincarnated, or if this is my one and only life. I’ve had many moments where things were simply happening in repetition, or how things felt off-beat. Maybe it was how I was trying to cope with stress. Things felt like it did not belong. It later, if briefly, shifted to my workplace, then in Vancouver mainly around the Vancouver area. Even on the Flair flight I’ve felt like I’ve flown before having that exact moment.

I sadly can’t go into detail, only mention that certain parts of my life felt like turning points (save points) leading off into other areas. Makes me wonder, like a visual novel, if I’m revisiting key areas to attempt different results, or if this indeed is my one and only life. Makes me wonder.

I’m still trying to figure out why I’m having re-dreams and why certain moments in life feel as if I had done them previously. Even living where I am from 2020-2022 has me puzzled as to why certain “key moments” or “chill” moments feel as if I had lived those moments previously. The times I view out a window seeing certain scenery, a certain vibe, smell, or happening. It’s surreal at times. The time I’m playing a certain game, or the weather.

I’ve also found it fairly curious how one dream led to another, or has connected with another previous dream after waking up and going to sleep. Or how one dream connects with the lore from a few nights ago. Very curious.

– Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~

As for dreams, I’ve had many duplicate dreams, even “updated” ones. Many relating to areas I’ve frequented going down specific streets, doing certain things, or revisiting horror dreams taking a shortcut to safety. One dream turns into a different one with a different outcome. Even how one horror dream was supposed to spook me (I knew it was supposed to) only for it to lead to a calmer resolution. Thankfully.

I would have the occasional video game dream, one I no longer play, coming back to show me various sceneries, situations, and various builds. Minecraft is an easy game to dream about, something I have dreamed a fair amount. Rising World is a new game I picked up in 2015, something I’m gradually dreaming about more often.

Various re-dreams of areas I used to live in going down memory lane, doing things I used to do, and just living as I used to at that time. I’ve noted a few on Twitter, some of those I have now forgotten.

The Dream Girl Headpat:

– A dream similar to this scenery.

Lastly, to end on a dreamy note…… My dream took me through some familiar scenery in Ottawa going down Carling Avenue and some side streets, ones I’ve walked with schoolmates. The one near Carlingwood Mall (for those Google mappings). Head down towards Lincoln Fields Mall and through various backstreets (Google maps). Even though certain classmates disliked me, we still walked down those neighborhood streets. My dream had me following another person while moving around in a desk chair. I was supposed to move this rolling desk chair through the neighborhood, one I had to note was all snowy at this point in time (deja vu). Not snowing in October in Ottawa, though in my dream I was supposed to note the “passing of time” in a seasonal manner. Once done, I had to cross a bridge, something I was in the process of doing. Someone may have questioned me about my chair, I had it and moved on. I was ready to take my chair to cross the threshold of bridge’s entrance to where folks where standing already on a bridge above a cityscape (as in the above image, minus the water). You could clearly see skyscrapers below being fairly high, directly below, and more pronounced. Not spread out, more like crossing a bridge a few feet higher than roof level in Vancouver, Tokyo, or even downtown Ottawa.

I was ready to step onto a higher portion of the bridge onto the main bridge to lose my footing carrying both the chair and the phone. I nearly fell face first bar grabbing onto my fallen phone in time during a fall to see an image on Twitter on it. Few people already populating the bridge. Not many, just a few. I placed the chair at a side, stood back resting my back against a wall noting a window to my right, bridge in front, and the entrance to the bridge on my left. My focus was on Twitter (android version) scrolling seeing a white Japanese decorated room with a Japanese author highlighted in a picture. The occasional fern potted plants placed elegantly among the white background.

My focus goes back up seeing a few girls to my left and one girl to my right. I had a few folks on my side, I see; The girl on my right paying attention to my Twitter. A few seconds go by to which I then decide to pat her on the head and neck (as you would a cat, hence why I probably have this dream) seeing the girl being fairly cheerful. She was happy, no complaints nor scolding. Simply delighted. With how negative the real world is I found it rewarding how accepting the dream-like state was. Nothing sketchy, only VRChat type acceptance. Peace, friendliness and acceptance. Maybe even basic acknowledgement in its simplicity.

(Was nice being acknowledged for viewing Twitter without being scoffed, scolded, or treated negatively. This girl in the dream is someone I desire in reality. Anybody sane (no vile desires) desires this rolemodel of a girl, at least at a glance)

– VRChat – Headpats from Blue, for visual context. This is commonplace to trusted folks on VRChat.

Sadly, the next segment of my dream is faded failing to recall enough to make note of it. From that headpatting moment I was warped into a room with the same girl. She was important to me, special, yet sadly not one I can recall in my current reality. She however made my day with this awesome memory. She continued being special inside a room, probably similar to ones experienced in VRChat, keeping me happy and stress free by presence alone. Her aura alone being “bliss”. No complaints, no judgement, just simple acknowledgement in a similar manner to a person named ‘Blue’ in VRChat. I’ve tried my best not to forget the headpats, sadly forgetting everything else in the process. Dreams are fragile. Insanely so.

Early VRChat taught me how to be a human again, I respect it for that. How to be social again, have a nice conversation, even exploring worlds as if I was crossing dimensions. I need to VRChat more often. I try, I fail to as much as I used to previously.


When the world is constantly negative, constantly reminding me “everything is your fault” I love anime and my dreams for recalibrating me back to a positive state. The head and neck pat of the girl brought me positive VRChat level of bliss. Even though I’m thankful for those few Japanese and friends for keeping me positive (helping me out) I still struggle with depression thanks to the damages caused by Ottawa, bullies, and various individuals. Constantly being sidelined doesn’t help. I’ve been told not to speak about Kantai Collection before, even told to stop enjoying things I enjoy. I continued on, annoyed. Many times I was told to stop enjoying certain things, even by close friends and hobbiests. I was even betrayed by those I’ve considered friends in the Anime hobby, especially in 2017, and later by VRChat folks for hating faux-politics, simply being painfully stressed out, among other situations leaving me vulnerable to people’s betrayal. The world is saddening. The scenery of the world is beautiful, people are however thorny.

It’s why I tend to be a solo hopper in VRChat exploring worlds on my own. People come and go, granted people are also busy with their own lives.

– What hasn’t betrayed me is the beauty of the world. I love how gorgeous the scenery tends to be.
– Fubuki in British Columbia’s mountains (Rocky mountain side near Revelstoke/Banff side).

I constantly vent, and vent, yet continue to share my happiness in my hobbies.

– What made me happy was meeting people in VRChat’s Midnight Haven helping me in obtaining a new computer. I have it noted, waiting for the appropriate time to obtain one. I genuinely need one for VRChat and Flight Simulator. The kindness is respectable. Few and far.
– Lake Louise – Drone Shot; Stitched by Google. I enjoyed having fun capturing images and videos with my drone in Ottawa and British Columbia. Opened up a whole new avenue of entertainment.

I’ve always wanted a drone, especially with good video and picture quality. I had to wait a few years to which I obtained a DJI Tello for the budget (got scolded), and then a DJI Mini SE for British Columbia. I was scolded again, was supposed to save money while staying at a roommate’s place. My friend “bought it” allowing me to fly this drone around British Columbia. It was fun. My friend seemingly appeared to be into the drone flying more than me constantly pointing out areas to fly the drone.


For moments where I could have suicided myself many times from 2003 till 2022 I’m thankful for Anime, my desires to travel, and my coincidentally happy dreams keeping me happy. Granted, I’ve had horror dreams, the Anime ones being the blessings I need to recalibrate back to sanity. I’m thankful for Anime keeping me happy and sane, even if it frustrates my friend. I would otherwise be dead without anime. it’s my escapism, my joy, my life, something others pollute yet I admire when in its original Japanese context.