I’m recently going through my Anime backlog to catch up on certain things having recently completed Saekano Season 2. I’ve noticed some similarities, some happenings relating to my own so I felt it appropriate to make note of them. While I also deal with various 2020 negativity, happenings, and situations it also had that brutal effect of finally waking me up to certain reality check moments allowing me to tune deeper into Saekano than I usually would have if I watched it during its normal air time. People have been trying to tell me certain things in a both direct and indirect manner sadly brushing them off in the past. Seeing it in Anime has that double effect after having been noted to me personally, especially with how powerfully done it was within the anime realm. Maybe I’m over-exaggerating and over-reacting, I however still feel it appropriate to make note of certain aspects by crossing over it over into my own experiences. I was however either too inexperienced, too naive, or too engrossed in my dream-like state that I became oblivious to my surroundings. I became easily engrossed in dream-like moments which clouded my moments of reality unable to see certain elements within my hobby. Its taking a recent passing away of a family member (My father), certain anime, me moving to a different place, and Saekano Season 2 to wake me (making me aware) of certain situations, something I otherwise would have been oblivious to.
I’m honestly glad I’ve woken up from my dream, though feel it may be far too late from the high point of 2010-2017 range. I shall explain this further below.
What I may type up may seem rambly, or maybe somewhat incoherent. I shall however try my best to make it come across as coherent as possible because this is also a highly serious topic to me. Saekano Season 2 hit far too close to me that I need to make a blog posting relating to its messages. If you’ve watched anime, creative something in your life, designed a game, or are simply crafty in some way then some of what may say should be relatable to you as it was for me with Saekano S2 anime. You’ll see a fair number of the screenshots.
-Creative Push | Challenging Ones’ Self:
The third picture hit me the hardest because its been floating around my mind for the past few days (even weeks) to the point people need mental stimulation. People need ways to express themselves, to expend their energy or else they shall become stunted. They shall start trolling people online, harassing retail workers, or even more extreme manners. Not exactly what I want to note, though something which tends to happen when one loses themselves.
What I’m basically trying to say is how creative individuals have to be constantly mentally stimulated (Constantly challenged) to constantly improve themselves. They have to keep digging deeper and deeper gradually becoming wiser, and wiser to the point you shall become a pro in whatever field you are in. A musician, painter, artist, photographer, and etc.
If you can’t push yourselves, nor others, you’re just not growing. You’ll simply become as I have by trolling people online or just not posting any figure photography. You’ll end up in a slump similar to how Eririe had become in the anime because Tomoya was “too kind” to his staff. The fun of challenging yourself is overcoming the hurdle to then turn that challenge into your character. Its similar to the various challenges and progressions in various video games where you use enemy assets against them while making them your own. Many J-RPGs like that, and even Skyrim. The hours spent Googling trying to make various music tracks in Fruityloops, the various hours searching for answers for RPG Maker projects, and the many hours spent searching new techniques to photography.
You constantly need a rival on your side to keep one another’s blade sharpened. No enthusiasm or rivalry means one stagnates into nothingness. A ‘slump’. At the very least one should keep learning something; Keep improving by focusing on something in life. Maybe fencing, archery, painting, flying, or whatever your zone of interest in. Learn about history, or a specific side of lost history to keep alive.
–Pushing To the Limit | Full Creative Potential:
This next part may be difficult to put into words, though when one is able to push their creative abilities to the limit great things tend to happen on either end. I’m glad I was able to partner up and socialize with great minds, even creative ones; Those who would give you ideas for your next projects.
Thanks to my lacking skill in various fields (Jack of all trades, though master of none) I constantly need to reach out for assistance. I stretch myself out far too thin when I need to focus on certain things to completion. I admit I may hide in my shell relying far to heavily on others, even yelled at by certain individuals for how reclusive I am. I constantly pester people, even though I should be doing things myself. Just like Tomoya Aki, I fail. I fail at doing certain things myself, for puppeting people, for leaving things hanging and far worse than Aki himself. I can word it this way because I’ve even tried recruiting people for various game modification projects, failing each one. Some gained some results from me to learn from, other simply a bust. I still however learned from these errors. Many Gundam mods, many unit commissions, many art commissions…… Many hit-and-miss moments.
Petroglyph Games – Indie Developer Recruit – I’ve even shadowed a novice programmer desiring to work with Petroglyph games, learning from them. They’ve desired to make a demo to showcase as their resume to join the Petroglyph game by making a game based around Petroglyphs as RTS units. They eventually submitted their game which was given praise. They sadly were declined, though still seemed positive about it. Wish I knew about the end result a few months later because this same person faded away from my contacts. I however remember one strong quote from this individual still echoes loudly within my mind as it does in the two following Saekano images above:
“Just tell me what you desire of me; What features you want in the game and I shall do my best to make it happen.” – Arch’
Not word-for-word, though close enough.What he noted is similar to what Utaha has firmly noted to Aki for his doujin team. You have to know how to pressure people to make the most of their skill set. If you look in any game studio people are pulling all nighters, over-time and other tasks just to get their job done, even as abusive as the game industry is. They’ve knowingly signed on as game designers knowing how detrimental crunch culture is to their health… Maybe willingly, or even unwillingly. They later boast about how awesome their game is.
As for Petroglyph games? Not to badmouth them but I do feel their creativity process is stunted. Maybe legally, though they seem to be struggling to the point they keep pumping out games they are not interested in. Maybe they have, misreading the mood and vibe. I’d love more clarity, though have been thrown under the bus by them that I no longer have neutral opinions or viewpoints from within their studio. Everything is rumour. That is beside the point. The point being the style of their games and how much they love their games. One thing I do know, and am fully aware of, is how much Frank Kelpacki LOVES his music. That is undeniable. As much of a novice and how naive I am, I still believe and feel Petroglyph Games can do so much more if they can make an actual proper ‘Star Wars: Empire at War 2’, or even an ‘Gundam RTS’ game, or anything without legal limitations. They’ve constantly been stunted, or so I’ve seen numerous times. A good example is ‘End of Nations’ with how their game just up and died.
–Rejection | Pride Shattering:
I’ve been there. I’ve constantly been rejected by countless people when it comes to anything ‘creative’ related. Because you have to start somewhere you’ll always have people shunning whatever you do, hating on everything you do, and just trash and shade your way every chance they get. Though, its not all gloomy, nor sunshine and rainbows.
If you’re genuine you’ll gain praise. Not pure praise, praise with a mixture of negativity with it. Genuine feedback is genuinely good, something everybody tends to look for. It has to be honest and from the heart. Game studios constantly seek feedback to balance and improve their game, thus they seek out forums, reviews, and the given. Goes without saying.
– Figure Photography:
I’ve had my figure photography constantly looked down upon because certain images were “low quality”, wasn’t up to various people’s standards, or just forced. I’ve even tried to fill monthly quotas of simply trying to take images, I was called out for that because it felt unnatural to “them”. While other people took nearly professional high quality images I constantly agonized how to improve my image quality to match theirs. I eventually reached their level, matched it, and surpassed them every now and again. Not always, though the fun behind it is what also counts. Having actual genuine fun while taking figure photography was fun. Taking Dollfie Dream photos was equally as fun, though far more difficult due to scale. Busou Shinkis are smaller, Dollfies are larger. More plotting and planning had to be put into the photoshoots thanks to how large Dollfies are. Had to plan lighting, how to avoid people, where the best places to take images were, among others. It tended to pay off when various conditions lined up correctly. I’m happy. The constant pushes even allowed me to be in collaboration with various doujinshi works. I’m still proud of those, though not what happened after thanks to 2017 (elaborating on that after).
The figure photography I genuinely enjoy are the genuine ones, not those posted on every site for fame, attention, and clout. If you can have fun taking images I respect those more than anything. I’ve seen many images posted for clout and those seem fake to me. Challenging ones’ self to take fun clean images is what it is all about in ways you’ve never posed figures before in situations outside of your comfort zone.
– Gaming Modding/RPG Maker:
I’ve tried to make numerous mods & RPG Maker Projects. Even though none have seen actual light or actual spotlights I still do learn from their failures. I’ve seen how recruiting works, how programming works, and how you’re supposed to handle games. I’ve constantly challenged myself with RPG Maker the most because of how easy (if somewhat complex & limiting) it is. My only limiting factor is time, though that is just an excuse. I’ve actually grown wiser with how long it takes to perfect features. Making one town (the quick way) takes almost a full day, longer if you desire to further flesh them out. My pride may still hurt game making wise, though am proud I’m able to at least make “something”. I wish I could make games the Japanese +18 way with various plugins. I need to be provoked, angered, and respectfully insulted. I need to be agitated once more with how busoushinkiworld.com simply refuses to make any game modifications or game modifications on their own.
I’ve always felt I had to do everything, especially desiring to have Renge added into VRchat. My frustration & passion allowed Renge to be added into VRchat. Halcon and myself having to do most of the game related Busou Shinki stuff because we genuinely care about Busou Shinki.
– Music (FruityLoops):
Thanks to an old Fan Forums (2006) dedicated to Petroglyph games we had a place to write up fan-ficition. We tried to design art for various ‘units’, city plans, and anything else. Music was also a part of that during that point to where I loosely ‘competed’ with another person named ‘Zet’ to make themes for factions. They chose the person ‘Zet’ because he was more experienced with music while trying to be hired as a composer in Germany, something I became enraged about on the fan-forum side of things. I was angry! I was denied. I wanted to be chosen (even though I was recruited to make music for an Universe at War mod) to the point I silently fumed in the background cracking away at my “new” music track at that point in time.
Internal Conflict (Battle Theme) was to be a main theme to the fan-fic, though accepted with hesitation. Confusion, uncertainty, though certain people have found this interesting. Thanks to my frustration and anger this became my best track because I challenged myself to make a track to be heard. I even experimented with various plugins which I had never used before at that point in time, even updating it as years went by. Even to this day this track is my pride and joy.
I used to also play a trumpet during grade 7 till grade 9 in Highschool where I became lost. It was roughly 2-3 years where I was proud to be a trumpet’r, even going to various mini-school related performances. I wasn’t the best, though am proud I ‘used to’ know how to play a trumpet. I even paid respect to it in PSO2 (Phantasy Star Online 2) on the Japanese client by having a trumpet furniture object placed in my room in that game. The anime ‘Sound! Euphonium‘ also managed to hit me hard on that side because of how I used to play a trumpet (if poorly). I fell out of practice with my trumpet because of the pressure. I couldn’t keep up with the other people because I failed to have proper inspiration and practice sessions. I tried, and friends heard me play during early highschool, though the social pressure was too much.
Something Utaha noted to Tomoya was:
Certain Patterns Emerge With Creative Who Run Away:
- First Stage: Their language becomes rougher
- Second Stage: They blame themselves.
- Third Stage: Their replies become more infrequent.
- Forth Stage: “I want to die” or “I can’t do this anymore”
- Fifth Stage: Can’t contact nor reach them.
Even if its an anime, it seems legit. People do indeed blame themselves, go through various issues, among other nasty happenings. Even the fifth stage where people vanish off of social media. Also doesn’t help you have various cancel groups on Twitter and other social media policing what you can and can’t do.
Something I even spotted on the internet was how other various people (westerners) would favour other Busou Shinki artists because their figure photography was “smoother”. It hurts. Your here trying your best trying to get the best figure photography then you see people favouring others over you. Even ex-Dutch “friends” (not the main one) constantly slanders and voiding everything I had done figure photography wise by praising other people. That hurts, and they most likely knew this. I still love Busou Shinki, I still love being creative, I now am aware of people’s biases. I can see where people swing. Granted, I’ve gained my fair share of praise, and I do respect and am thankful for those praises.
– The Desire to Improve | The Frustration, The Pain of Improving
On a Star Wars note I do believe the Sith were on the right path, though may have overshot the whole teachings missing the point completely. The Sith may have been indirectly correct on the part of needing to tap into your anger, hatred, and frustration to tap into your full power and potential. One needs to be frustrated to a reasonable degree to accomplish anything. One needs to be pressured, pressed, and cornered to overcome anything.
Once one also comes to terms with their frustration they’ll showcase something impressive.
One thing I’ve come to realize is when someone’s passion is genuine and true people shall go out of their way to learn everything about it. You’ll even feel how genuine the love for their interest is. When someone forces their photography to be high quality, though missing the ‘fun’, I find that genuinely fake. I can’t support, nor back those people. They usually tend to sideline you as well. My point here is how I’ve noticed actual genuine individuals interact with other like-minded folks, how they share various sources of their interest, how they read books themed to their interest, while also not necessarily needing any tutoring (no tutorials) on a basic level.
When someone cares about their hobby they go out of their way to make certain things happen. Like how certain modders would pull all-nighters to get a certain feature added into a mod for a game, or how you would stay up to get a video uploaded onto Youtube, or something along those line. When you care you actually show your passion for it while risking your health, something Utaha noted while feeling depressed how her & Eriri were not being used to their full skillset for Tomoya Aki’s doujinshi team for their game. They weren’t growing, nor were they expanding their skillset. They had numerous slumps. They were feeling ‘content’ with their situation turning into vegetables. As sad as they were, they needed external pressure. The same feeling one gets when you pick up Beat Saber for VR to the point of playing it till burning out. You wear yourself out in an 4-9 hour session depending on your stamina.
I however have to note the people doing creative things for clout aren’t really helping. These people are not fun to ‘compete’ against when they focus on clout, nor have in your hobby. They spam their images everywhere diluting the community into a boring, judging mess. I’ve seen it done harshly with Busou Shinki, and it sucks. When people are genuine and true you can exchange ideas, challenge one another, and have fun. I miss that fun, the interaction, and the beauty of people’s images when kept simple and fun.
For example: Posing your figure among the snow:
Whenever it snowed I would try to challenge myself to take as ‘perfect’ of a shot with Renge as possible. I would try to get a decent 5-10 blog-worthy images to share while trying to make snowman, hang them on branches, or similar. This sparked inspiration with others, such as someone named Shikaze within the Busou Shinki to jokingly curse at me while trying their hand at it as well by posing their Rapitas on a snowy hedge. Their hands freezing, happy they’ve taken their image, though frustrated by the cold.
– The Flip-Side | Depression | ‘Down-fall’:
I guess I should also finally note the flip-side dealing with 2017. It relates to my “down-fall” within the figure photography. I had a brutal ending to 2016, leading into 2017 to where January 2017 became my most brutal month of that year. Constant negativity, constant backstabbing to where hostile words were thrown both ways, especially between myself and an ex-Dutch friend I used to be close. Once we had a brutal falling out I proclaimed on Twitter I’m done with my hobbies. Can’t recall why exactly, though lost my drive though may have been the pain from of losing someone I trusted and respected highly. My hobby wasn’t viewed as fun anymore (after that loss), I lost my will to figure photograhy, and respected people threw me under the bus without consulting me for clarification. It was idiotic. I lost people who I could “challenge” and “compete’ on a creative level. Danny Choo abandoned me, as had Haku from Dollfie Dream, most of the Dollfie Dream crew, and was just left to rot. I still have to thank the same individuals for their positive side, only fair. They’ve allowed me to grow in the figure photography side, though stalled out on the Dollfie Dream side. Over-all though with the falling out with the ex-Dutch friend I’ve lost my role-models, my ‘rivals’, and those I desired as friends on Twitter & elsewhere. Not all, though enough to be depressed for months…..Clearly I wasn’t too happy about that! Depressed from January up until November. My coworkers even noticed how depressed I was during the January-February 2017 time frame. I still remember the emotions. I’ve tried repairing damages where it had been done while avoiding other people who clearly viewed me as a threat and trash.. Creativity stunted and on hiatus…….. I’ve tried over the various months after to try and regain my lost creativity in figure photography. Difficult and not what it used to be. All digital.
If we (myself and the Dutch person, among other Dutch folks) could be friends again it would be a very rocky uphill road to mend the damages. It would be highly awkward. Severe damages were done which would require real effort to the point one can’t simply apologize that it just might be best to “ghost” to just avoid people altogether. Who knows. They view me as a threat, I lost my figure photography drive & creativity to the point it had to be all digital having to use VRchat as a survival point in keeping my interests and hobby alive.
I had to find a new creative outlet because my previous one became blocked. The depression, the pain….A ‘slump’, similar to how Eririe couldn’t draw. I wasn’t being inspired, pushed, nor pressured. I was constantly reading fellow hobbiest on the western front being constantly political while making the same errors myself. I was in an constant state of frustration. My horrible mistake on joining the political bandwagon. I regret that high, though it is what it is. Damages are done. I’m honestly glad & thankful I’ve been nudged towards VR & VRchat because its been genuine fun, regaining my lost passion and interest in things I genuinely love and enjoy. I may still be broken, though thankful to where it had lead me. I need to constantly thank Nagzz21 for attracting me to VRchat, for allowed me to re-connect with Busou Shinki, for allowing me to meet new friends, and to heal. Even if Nagzz21 & his crew put me on silent I still formally respect them for what they’ve allowed me to do. I’ve spent the late 2017 till 2020 simply healing, making new friends, and paving new roads in a digital manner while still talking about Busou Shinki. I’m glad I can still talk about Anime while still exploring various avenues to continuing to try and share my passion for my hobbies.
Nagzz21, I genuinely thank you for hooking me to VRchat. I thank you for not throwing me under the bus for struggling to be creative and having my own personal baggage and issues. Even technical ones. You’re a busy guy, though still thank you for what you have done. As of 2019 and 2020 you’ve distanced yourself from VRchat, though still thank you just as much. I love the thought of small improvements in creativity by having Shinki Renge & Scathach avatars added into VRchat, how I’ve added HMCS Haida into VRchat (with help), and just love taking images, as ridiculous the quantity I take. Roughly around 20-30 gigs worth of images from VRchat alone.
My HMCS Haida world for VRchat may be stunted and stuck in Christmas while in late June. I however do plan to mend that. I’m frustrated I stalled out on that. Again, I need to be challenged. I need the mental stimulation to work on it again……. I’m frustrated 2020 feels like a repeat of 2017, challenging me and my priorities. It however is allowing me to view things in new light by provoking me. I’m seeing I need to regroup to my old projects to continue heading forward. I still need to surround myself with people who actually want to do something so we can keep moving forward. I’m genuinely thankful for Nagzz21 and VRchat for keeping me still creative. I may still struggle, though that is my battle to fight. Like Aki, I have to find the right people to realize my dreams while respectfully making use of their full talent. I simply need to be smart enough to make use of their assistance and talent.
I’ve constantly had creative ideas run away on me because of how one dimensional I viewed them as. I viewed certain plans from one angle, eventually seeing they’re more than that one angle; They’re more than I assumed… Many times my figure photography shoots would turn into something else, or RPG Makers would evolve into something else. Even though I haven’t formally released any RPG Maker games they genuinely ran away from me. Even with how I desired one character in VRchat in chat in Discord, or similar.
Just like a joke, creative ideas can run away from you………… You either have to keep them on a leash or simply see them spiral out of your control in either direction.
That moment when you love something so much you tend to corrupt it brutally, or simply unaware how attached you are to it. Kato was made brutally aware of how much she loves ‘Blessing Software’, being the mascot, the heroine, and a part of the team. She felt betrayed, even giving off the cold shoulder to the point she wouldn’t talk to Tomoya Aki for a month or two. She was furious…. She even openly asked to be consulted, never was.
I’ve even done similar for Busou Shinki by constantly corrupting it, being dramatic, and negative. Though felt certain times were justified because of how dishonest a certain Busou Shinki group was, constantly thrown under the bus, or simply frustrated certain challenges weren’t being met. I may indeed be arrogant on this part, though also can’t go back in time to mend any issues. What is done is done and I’ll be remembered a certain way. It was a 50/50 case with me as I’ve also felt betrayed time and again by the community. Favouritism, among other happenings. There was even another moment on ‘MyFigureCollection’ where someone called me out as a fake ‘White knight’ for Busou Shinki as I’ve shown my interest in defending the Vic Vipers. They proclaimed their hatred towards me on MFC forums calling me a fake…. Just very vulgar things. I genuinely admired Vic Viper designs, even to this day in June 2020. ….. You meet “interesting” individuals. Something people keep forgetting as well is how we’re human… We make mistakes, yet we learn. We live and learn…..
I however wish more was done with the Busou Shinki hobby within the western community in the manner Japanese folks tend to go out of their way to make indie games, comics, and etc. Japanese community tends to do so much more than any westerner to the point we westerners tend to link and share anything from the Japanese side of things. Just admiring, while others tend to even try to follow the Japanese. I rarely see that same amount of passion with my fellow westerners, though it happens on few occasions. Only clout related figure photography gaining the highest praise and followers while other people get shunned for simply admiring Busou Shinki. Creativity wise? Rarely there…..I’m simply being honest. Barely any interaction with the community itself. Just high end pictures and lacking in communication with the rest. Sometimes just “bland” photography.
I LOVE Busou Shinki, though feel betrayed. Maybe I want to feel a part of a hobby again. Even VRchat wise. I want to feel welcomed, invited, and a part of something instead of as an ‘observer’, even if I do ironically hide or stay side-lined. I try to be a part of something, STILL sidelined.
I need a Kato moment of being strongly welcomed back to the hobby once again even though I haven’t really left. Being invited for those few doujinshi was genuinely awesome, though wish I knew how many I may have missed out ever since my depression kicked in…… I genuinely admire Busou Shinki, Anime, VR, VRchat, Azur Lane and whatever else I share. I love what I love. I wish people would be honest about their hobbies. I wish people would challenge themselves once again. I am however aware with age certain things become off limits. Obligations, life situations. I’m IN one… I’m in a brutal situation.
Lastly, on the above note of Eriri tapping into her newfound skill set of being able to draw with pain and oil,…. I wish we could naturally tap into this sort of creativity again. How I desire to tap back into my musical Fruityloop side of things, my figure photography, gaming and such. I need to limit my range while focusing on e thing at a time to completion. I need to learn from 2020’s message of how I need to focus on one thing at a time. Many people learned this lesson already, its my turn. Better late than ever.
I’ve noted my mistakes, I’ve learned, and now I hope I can put them in practice. Things won’t be as they were from 2010 till 2017, though the future always holds something. It holds something to look forward to. I may have to backtrack a bit to head straight forward from here on out. Need to tap into Busou Shinki once more to reach a different zone of interest while keeping VR & VRchat close. Music? Fruityloops? Who knows.
I honestly need to thank Anime and Saekano Season 2 for allowing me to see what I would have otherwise been oblivious to. I’m glad I watched it in 2020 instead of when it actually aired for how I would have otherwise missed the various creative messages. Others may miss what I’ve noticed. You may have to watch both seasons of Saekano anime while also having ‘created’ a Youtube video, taken photography images, or something… Created something. I could have probably shortened my wording, though expressed what I needed to express.
I viewed Saekano as something highly reliable so I had to hastefully note the similarities while I could. It may seem random, its however important to me, or something I view as important. Saekano, I thank you for holding those important messages. This is why I love anime, why I love watching anime, and why I keep following anime. Its not something perverted (Hentai), though something philosophical while holding various messages to make note of. I make note of these messages to the best of my mental awareness at the time.
I’m certain there will be people baffled as to why I made note of this, or can’t make the connection as I have. Maybe I am being emotional. I struggled to sleep from watching Saekano Season 2 because of how hard its message had hit me. I nearly caught a cold, gained 5 hours of sleep. Saekano hit me brutally hard. There are still things I want to do on a serious note, I genuinely hope I can accomplish them on a far better note than I had left them. I’m trying to do so much at once that I have to keep a more narrow viewpoint on my projects. I need to focus once again.
To those who have been supporting me, following me, and assisting me throughout the years have my highest thanks and appreciation. I’m still regretful and pained by 2017, and now 2020, though wish I can build bridges over those situations to keep moving forward. I shall still love Busou Shinki and I’ll still admire Shinki Renge for as long as I’m able to. Thank you for the fun times in the Busou Shinki community. Hope we can have further fun as time goes on, even if life tends to brutally intervene.
As wordy and possibly rambly as this may have been, this is actually a very serious blog posting of mine. If you’ve read this far then you have my thanks. Thanks for reading! I hope you were able to understand my wording. Stay creative, stay awesome! 🙂